Kakistocracy
by Quatermass
Summary: (Massive AU for "Homestuck") Harry had psychic glasses that he could use to chat with strange friends online. But when the Dementors attacked, something broke within him. Now, Harry has ended up on Alternia, where he has found out his friends are alien Trolls...and what's more, he's one of their number. Thus begins a race against time to save them...and bring them to Earth...
1. Foreword

**FOREWORD**

One story I have only really come to recently is the famous (or infamous, depending) Andrew Hussie webcomic _Homestuck_. One of the Microsoft Paint Adventures webcomics, _Homestuck_ is a webcomic I've only recently tried. I have to admit, while the plot is rather confusing at times, and the art style and story took considerable time to get used to, it's somewhat enjoyable. And one part I found enjoyable were the Trolls.

Initially masquerading as internet trolls, the Trolls soon proved to be a vital part of _Homestuck_ 's convoluted story. There have been a few Harry Potter crossovers so far, but I felt like doing something a bit more unusual, where Harry Potter is a Troll…or at least becomes one. It's contrived, messy, and convoluted (much like _Homestuck_ ), but I think it has potential.

 _Homestuck_ wasn't the only influence. I also owe something of the characterisation of Apollo Amduat to Yttral, an eccentric Dalek scientist from _Second Empire_ , a webcomic which is well worth reading, even if you're not a _Doctor Who_ fan.

I'm also taking significant liberties with Troll society and history, as well as a bit of biology. I'm trying to integrate the Potterverse with the Troll society, and I need to cut away a lot of the convoluted backstory, as well as how Alternia and Earth are linked. Yes, I am aware that the violent nature of Troll society is not their fault. For the purpose of this story, SGRUB (and SBURB, for that matter), Skaia, Doc Scratch and all that don't exist, and John, Rose, Dave and Jade, if they do exist in the Potterverse, are living perfectly normal lives (or at least as normal as they can be with their families). _Homestuck_ fans, if you don't like it, that's your problem. I'm taking the characters and their essence to tell a story.

It's worth pointing out that I did a pilot version of this idea in _Ofiuco Amduat and the Goblet of Fire_ , but I had trouble getting it to work. However, a couple of whitetigerwolf's challenges helped me out: namely _Internet Buddies_ (which is, admittedly, a _Sekirei_ challenge), and _Adopted Alien_. Once more, I must emphasise that normally, I do NOT take challenges, so don't send me any.

Oh, and incidentally, the name means a government formed by the worst people for the job. Says a lot about Magical Britain…or Troll society, doesn't it?

Anyway, time for the usual disclaimers. Firstly, there will be spoilers for both _Homestuck_ and Harry Potter. If you want to avoid spoilers for the former especially, don't read. I'm also shifting canon time forward a year, so Harry's 16 at the start.

Secondly, there will be heavy annotations, as is usual for my works. You have been warned.

Thirdly, this is an M-Rated work. There will be coarse language, violence, sexual references and dark themes. Again, you have been warned.

Finally, the following is a fan-written work. _Homestuck_ and Harry Potter are the properties of their respective owners. Please support the official release. Otherwise, Vriska will take control of you and make you do something humiliating, injurious, or, most likely, both…


	2. Chapter 1: The Troll Who Lived

**CHAPTER 1:**

 **THE TROLL WHO LIVED**

Harry Potter had once heard of the comparison between certain people and toadstools: namely fed bullshit and kept in the dark. At this point of time, he could sympathise with the toadstools, because that's what situation he was in. His sixteenth birthday had gone unremarked upon by his so-called relatives (for better or for worse), he had received little to none mail correspondence from his friends up to this point, and the only thing that stopped him from throwing out the Honeydukes chocolates he had been sent by them as birthday gifts was chatting with Hermione over the internet. And over a computer the Dursleys never realised he had…as it was his glasses.

You see, long before he had received the Hogwarts letter, Harry had some inkling of the fact that he could do magic, or something similar. In fact, he had this device, which he somehow knew was called a 'Captchalogue', which acted almost like, in retrospect, one of those inventory things from a video game. He could store things in what had to be a pocket dimension based on cards with pictures on them. In fact, he'd had a habit of storing things on them, including his Hogwarts things.

The glasses were, well, like a telepathic laptop. He only had to think, and he could surf the internet and go into chatrooms. Ever since the end of second year, he had been keeping in touch with Hermione via email and chat…and then, he discovered a weird chat program called Trollian. He and Hermione had gone on that after the end of their third year (Harry sending a copy of the program to Hermione's laptop), only to be confronted…well, by trolls. Well, at least at first. But over time, Harry had gotten used to them. Well, some of them.

He was currently walking through a park while chatting via Trollian. His best friend on that went by the name of gallowsCalibrator, or 'GC' for short. Harry had somehow been able to log in via a name called crazedCoatlscience, or CC. But he also considered a few others to be friends, like carcinoGeneticist, or CG, arsenicCatnip, or AC, though it took some time for the former, and the latter was a bit strange. Oh, and there was adiosToreador, or AT, and apocalypseArisen or AA, or cuttlefishCuller or the other CC (though when Harry began chatting, she called herself CCF, the 'F' standing for fuchsia for some reason).

 _TROLLIAN CHATLOG_

 _crazedCoatlscience [CC] has started trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] and carcinoGeneticist [CG]_

 _CG: AND THAT IS WHY YOUR THINKPAN IS TERMINALLY BROKEN._

 _GC: PUT 4 SOCK 1N 1T, K4RK4T._

 _GC: OH! H3LLO H4RRY!_

 _CC: ISSIATNG(_ _1)_

 _CC: Hey, Terezi. Trouble in paradise?_

 _GC: NO, JUST K4RK4T B31NG STROPPY. :P_

 _CG: FUCK YOU AND THE HOOFBEAST YOU RODE IN ON, TEREZI!_

 _GC: NO TH4NKS, K4RK4T. TH4T WOULD B3 B3ST14L1TY. :P_

 _CG: YOU THINK YOU'RE SO BLOODY CLEVER?_

 _GC: 1 DON'T TH1NK 1 4M CL3V3R, K4RK4T. 1 KNOW 1 4M._

 _GC: YOU H4V3 TO B3 CL3V3R TO STUDY L4W._

 _CC: Am I interrupting anything?_

 _GC: NOTH1NG OF 1MPORT4NC3, H4RRY._

 _CG: NOTHING OF IMPORTANCE?! NOW LISTEN TO THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY CHUTE!_

 _CC: Nice to talk to you too, Karkat._

 _CG: …FUCKING WHATEVER. HEY, HARRY, GOOD TO MEET YOU, BLAH BLAH BLAH. OH WELL, JUST AS WELL. TALKING TO THESE…DINGUSES? DINGII? WHAT'S THE PLURAL OF A DINGUS?_

 _CC: Umm, I dunno. But maybe Hermione could tell me what the collective noun is._

 _CC: Well, when she's able to chat with me again. Recently, she stopped chatting._

 _CC: Long story._

 _CC: I could make a guess. A clod of dinguses?_

 _CG: …I GUESS THAT WORKS. TALKING TO THIS CLOD OF DINGUSES IS ROTTING MY THINKPAN MORE THAN SOPOR SLIME ROTS GAMZEE'S._

(Harry frowned. It had gotten to the point where he had actually given out his actual name to these mysterious chatters, although that was partially because they used their own. He wondered where they were. Certainly the terms they used were odd.)

 _GC: Y34H, BUT YOUR TH1NKP4N ROTS 34S1LY, K4RK4T._

 _GC: PLUS, 4LL TH4T SW34R1NG C4N'T B3 GOOD FOR 1T. :]_

 _CG: STFU AND GTFO_

 _GC: OOH, SC4TH1NG. :P_

 _apocalypseArisen [AA] has joined the chat._

 _AA: 0h, harry, hell0. i didn't expect y0u t0 be here._

 _CC: Hey, Aradia. How's your little dig going?_

 _AA: fairly well, with s0llux's help. we haven't f0und much yet, th0ugh. is hermi0ne still ar0und? i have tried c0ntacting her myself, but she isn't resp0nding. i miss her, frankly._

 _CC: Long story._

(Aradia was one of the few on this chatroom Hermione got along with, and was one of the few who tried to email Hermione.)

 _CG: YEAH, YEAH, YOU SAY THAT ALL THE TIME, HARRY._

 _CG: IT'S GOTTEN BEYOND THE POINT WHERE IT'S MERELY AGGRAVATING, AND STARTING TO GET TO THE POINT OF PISSING ME OFF._

 _CG: WE'RE TALKING PUSHING BOUNDARIES HERE._

 _CC: HEY, I TRIED TO COME ON HERE TO CHAT WITH YOU GUYS, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO!_

 _CC: INSTEAD, WE'VE GOT YOU ABUSING THE CAPSLOCK LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!_

 _CC: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ON THE RECEIVING END?!_

 _CG: LIKE SOMEONE'S STEALING MY BLOODY SCHTICK._

(Harry snarled quietly in annoyance. Karkat lived to press buttons, even when he didn't mean to. The only reason why Harry put up with him was, when Karkat calmed down, he could at least be nice. He was just a sullen little SOB at times. That was why, when he got annoyed, Harry used all-caps himself.)

 _CC: BOOHOO, NUBS._

 _CC: ANYWAY, WHY DOES TEREZI CALL YOU THAT ANYWAY?!_

 _GC: B3C4US3 H3 H4S NUBBY L1TTL3 HORNS._

 _GC: W3 TOLD YOU TH1S._

 _AA: d0n't y0u have h0rns, harry?_

 _CC: What? No, Aradia. Seriously, why do you guys keep asking me this?_

 _CC: It's weird._

 _CC: Wait, why the hell is it getting cold?_

 _CC: …Oh shit…oh shit oh shit OH SHIT OH SHIT!_

 _CC: GTG, BRB, MM(_ _2)_ _!_

 _crazedCoatlscience [CC] has ceased trolling._

 _CG: …WHAT'S EATING HIM? JEGUS, I HOPE THAT ISN'T LITERAL. OR AT LEAST I HOPE HE GIVES WHATEVER IT IS FOOD POISONING._

 _AA: i d0n't kn0w. it sounded seri0us._

 _AA: and i h0pe s0mething isn't eating him._

 _AA: d0 y0u think he was right? that he d0esn't have h0rns?_

 _GC: W3LL, 31TH3R H3'S 4N 4L13N WHO SOM3HOW FOUND 4POLLO 4MDU4T(_ _3)_ _'S C4PTCH4LOGU3, OR…_

 _GC: W3LL, 1 D1DN'T WANT TO D1G 4NY FURTH3R 1NTO TH3 CAS3. YOU KNOW HOW TH3 COND3SC3 IS WH3N SOM3BODY ROCKS TH3 BO4T…_

* * *

The first bad sign was the cold. That was bad enough. The second bad sign, albeit unrelated, was that Dudley and his gang were coming up to him. The third bad sign was the sound of his mother screaming, and Voldemort snarling at her. The first and third bad signs were indicative of the presence of Dementors coming for him. The second was just compounding the issue.

He had to admit, he hated the Dursleys. Despite protesting to Dumbledore about his treatment at the Dursleys, Harry always was sent back here. It wasn't as bad as Azkaban, given Sirius' tales of it, but until he got his Hogwarts letter, he was treated little better than a House Elf, and it was only a little bit better since. He had his own bedroom, and the chores were reduced, as was the physical abuse, but that was about it. He was still the Dursleys' servant and verbal punching bag for too long in the year.

The Dementors started swooping on Dudley and the gang first. Harry tried to get his wand out to cast the Patronus, before a stab of pain jabbed through his head. He screamed out loud. The pain was bad, happening often around Dementors. And worse than that. They exacerbated his anger afterwards. He'd had some small anger problems for some time, but they had gotten worse after the incident involving Marge. That, and the nightmares that had plagued him.

It felt like something within him was trying to break free. Writhing against chains that had been there all his life. It felt like there were two knives being jabbed into his skull. Or, more accurately, like a pair of knives were breaking free from his skull.

He screamed again and again, the sounds of his pain creating a hideous chorus with the screams of his mother, the snarls of Voldemort, and the more real noises of Dudley and his gang making as they fought in vain against the Dementors, which, he realised, they couldn't even see. And even then, their noises trailed away into silence. A small but vocal part of him thought _Good_.

Suddenly, a dam broke. A blast of energy washed outwards from him, hitting the Dementors, the closest to him disintegrating. And as the flare of light vanished, the survivors noticed, much to their indignation, that Harry Potter had vanished. Their screeches of frustration echoed eerily throughout Little Whinging, striking terror into the hearts of all who heard those eldritch cries…

* * *

Through the darkened woods of another world entirely, a girl called Terezi Pyrope strode, rather pensively. Usually, she had a grin on her face, showing off a vast array of sharp teeth, but now, she was rather thoughtful, even worried.

She had to admit, she was worried about Harry. She had her suspicions about who Harry really was, that somehow, an alien had managed to find a means of joining Trollian. Personally, Terezi didn't mind. Harry seemed to need a friend, and Hermione, who had apparently been sent the program, seemed intelligent enough, though they kept things from her about whether they were alien or not. Then again, Aradia was the one who chatted with Hermione the most. It seemed that Sollux had some competition in being Aradia's Matesprit. Or maybe Hermione was just friends.

Aliens had different notions of friendship and romance to Trolls, Terezi knew. Before he mysteriously disappeared while on an expedition offworld, the heretic scientist Apollo Amduat had left a manifesto online, something Terezi, along with a few of her friends had read. She had to admit, as much as she wanted to join the Legislacerators, Amduat had a point. Troll society was fucked up, though their ideas of romance were not. Of course, with the Condesce in charge of Alternia, things were unlikely to change any time soon.

As she walked, Terezi savoured the smells and sounds of the forest where she made her home. For that was the thing, you see: Terezi Pyrope was blind. This had been thanks to revenge by Vriska Serket after she lost her arm after Terezi sent a package that drove Vriska's Lusus (a monstrous beast that acted as the guardian of a Troll as they grew up) mad, in revenge for Tavros' crippling. But Terezi had been trained by her own Lusus in how to make her way with sight and smell and hearing. Oh, and taste. She loved licking something to check the colours, her favourite colour of all being candy red.

Ah. She could smell something interesting and exciting in the air, like ozone. She wondered, what exactly was that?

She soon got her answer. There was a sudden thud onto the ground in front of her. It sounded like a body hitting the undergrowth. After a moment, she reached, and felt the body. Hmm, rather warm skin. She was definitely feeling a face, though it was a bit too warm, and where were the horns? Still, it was still alive, whatever it was. Seemed like a warm Troll without horns.

She sniffed. Was that blood she could smell? She licked his face, and blinked her sightless eyes. Was that **_red_** blood? But…there was no such blood colour. Trolls had a haemospectrum, a form of hierarchy based on blood colour, which determined a certain amount of psychic dominance over lesser castes. Terezi had teal blood, which put her fairly high up, though Equius and Eridan were the only ones who really cared about the haemospectrum in their circle of…friends, she guessed.

Then, she could taste something in the air. Something like…lemon sherbet. Or popping candy. And it seemed to be coming from the body in front of her. And then, something pungent filled the air, with the sound of screaming and ranting, like something Vriska would do when she was playing the villain in one of their FLARP sessions. When it died down, Terezi felt the body again, only to frown when she realised the skin had gotten cooler, and…there were horns now.

After a moment's consideration, Terezi, albeit with a little effort, picked the body up. "You're lucky you're a scrawny bugger," she muttered. "As it is, you still feel like a lead scarecrow…"

* * *

Pain. Everywhere was pain. As Harry came back to consciousness, he felt pain everywhere. Was this what life was like as a disembodied soul, trapped within the stomach of a Dementor? Being digested in the fetid bowels of those demons for all eternity?

Of course, when he opened his eyes, he found that notion sorely abused.

The room was a riot of colour. While the walls and floors themselves were dull colours, they had been livened up by decorations of various kinds. The rugs on the floor burned at his eyes like a bad acid trip, while there were childish scrawls of chalk on the walls. He saw one chalk drawing in particular, of a horned demonic figure seated at a lectern marked 'H1S HONOUR4BL3 TYR4NNY'. A computer sat on a nearby desk, and there were plushies of dragons with button eyes. He was seated on a beanbag or something similar, certainly with the same eye-burning riot of colour. Dumbledore would have loved the décor in this room.

It was the way that 'His Honourable Tyranny' was spelt that caught his eye most of all. He had seen that spelling before, being used by…

"Hey, you're awake!"

The voice was that of a girl, slightly nasal and a bit raspy, but a girl nonetheless. He resisted the urge to leap into the air and whirl to face her, instead turning slowly. And there she was, seated on another beanbag.

Harry couldn't help but stare. She looked like a slender girl about his age, dressed in black trousers and a black shirt, with said shirt having an astrological sign on it, specifically that of Libra, if he recalled correctly. She wore a pair of opaque red sunglasses, despite the fact that, as far as he could tell by looking out the window, it was night. She had quite a nice figure, actually, underneath the shirt.

But she certainly wasn't human. The grey skin was something of a giveaway. So too were the pair of short, twilight-coloured horns protruding from her forehead. And the mouth filled with sharp teeth, bordered by ink black lips.

"Umm, who are you?" Harry asked.

"Well, technically as a wannabe Legislacerator, I should be the one asking the questions. But, I'm in a kind of generous mood. I'm Terezi Pyrope. So, what's your name?"

"…Terezi?" Harry asked. "Is that really you? gallowsCalibrator?"

"Well, yeah, but I…hang on a moment. What's your name?"

After a moment, Harry admitted, "crazedCoatlscience. Or Harry Potter, if you prefer."

There was another rather more uncomfortable pause, and then, Terezi said, "You've got to be kidding me…and yet…I can't smell any deceit. And believe me, I'd know." She tapped her nose pointedly. "So…how the hell did you get here? Last time I was speaking to you, something had come up. You said something about being cold, and then you were swearing more than Karkat on a good day."

"Long story. But where am I? Are we still on Earth?"

Terezi seemed about to say something, before she reconsidered it with a sigh. "I should have known. Harry, is Earth your planet?"

"Well, yes, but…wait. Are we…are we on another world entirely?"

"Yep! Welcome to Alternia!" Terezi said with a grin. "Though maybe it should be more like, welcome **_back_** to Alternia!"

"…What?"

"Just a moment," Terezi said, hopping off the beanbag, and scrounging around in a nearby box. "I think I have one of my old mirrors. I don't really need one anymore. I'm blind, you see."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Then, Harry considered what she said, and then thought about what she had done so far. "But how did you…?"

"Harry, I can hear pretty damn well, I can smell things you can't, and taste, well…colours. Let's put it this way: my computer screen's covered in saliva."

Harry looked over at it, and noticed trails of what looked like snail tracks on the screen. "Ah. I see."

"Yep. AHA!" This exclamation was due to her pulling a mirror free, and she walked over to Harry and handed it over. Harry took it reluctantly (though he had to admire that she acted as if she could see properly), and looked into it, dreading what he would see.

The face was his. So was the messy mop of hair. His scar had faded somewhat, but was still visible, snaking out from beneath his fringe. And his eyes…well, the irises were still the emerald green from his mother.

And yet, his skin was grey. His sclera, the whites of his eyes, were now a light orange. And he had horns now. Bigger than Terezi's, like lightning bolts pointing out from his hair. Whatever he was, he wasn't human anymore.

"Sorry if this is bad news, Harry, but, well, whatever you were before, shortly after coming here, you became one of us. You're now a Troll. Or maybe you always were one…"

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **And on that bombshell, good night!**

 **Okay, those who have read the sample chapters of** ** _Ofiuco Amduat and the Goblet of Fire_** **in** ** _The Cauldron_** **will be pleased to note that I will be including elements from that. And don't worry, all will be explained soon.**

 **Incidentally, I will be explaining terms used in** ** _Homestuck_** **when necessary, mostly through exposition in the story itself.**

 **Anyway, for those unfamiliar with** ** _Homestuck_** **, each Troll has a distinctive typing style. Karkat uses caps for all his typing. Terezi replaces the letters 'A', 'I', and 'E' with '4', '1', and '3' respectively, both as a form of l33tspeek, as well as a reference to the '413' arc number that appears throughout** ** _Homestuck_** **. Aradia doesn't bother with capitalisation (though here, she uses more punctuation than she does in canon), and replaces 'O' with '0'.**

 **In addition, here's a term that hasn't been explained, but needs explaining. A Captchalogue is a means of creating an inventory much like one in a video game. Harry has a very vanilla one that allows him to get what he wants or needs when he wants it, but there are a variety of ones used in Homestuck. The human Captchalogues are mostly based on computing data structures (John uses stacks, Dave uses hash maps, Rose uses trees, while Jade, instead of using data structures, uses variations on board game rules like Pictionary), while the Trolls have even weirder ones. Terezi, due to her blindness, uses 'scratch and sniff', believe it or not. Karkat, in the comic at least, uses an unwieldy encryption system. Aradia, due to being dead in the comic (it's complicated), uses an Ouija Board.**

 **1\. The Trolls each have their own way of posting in a chatroom, so I decided Harry would have his own greetings and farewells while spelling properly. This stands for 'I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good'.**

 **2\. 'MM' stands for 'Mischief Managed', of course. The others are standard internet/texting abbreviations that should be known.**

 **3\. Apollo Amduat was my Troll OC for** ** _Ofiuco Amduat and the Goblet of Fire_** **. More on him and his nomenclature later.**


	3. Chapter 2: Meeting IRL

**CHAPTER 2:**

 **MEETING IRL**

Harry had, rather understandably, been rather morose and shocked at that revelation. In some similar situations, Terezi might have laughed. But she had grown to like Harry during their time chatting over Trollian, and so, she decided to go to Trollian, or rather, their private, Apollo Amduat-related chatroom. She licked the screen, and nodded. Aradia and Sollux were on, along with Karkat and Nepeta.

 _gallowsCalibrator [GC] has started trolling apocalypseArisen [AA], twinArmageddons [TA], carcinoGeneticist [CG], and arsenicCatnip [AC]._

 _GC: SORRY FOR B31NG 4FK, GUYS. BUT 1'VE GOT SOM3 1NT3R3ST1NG N3WS._

 _TA: iintere2tiing? iin what way?_

 _AC: :33 Yes, tell us! Fur goodness' sake, don't leave us in suspense._

 _CG: PROBABLY HAD ONE OF THOSE STUFFED TOYS SHE LYNCHED COME BACK TO LIFE AND TRY TO EAT HER._

 _GC: …H3H3H3, TH4T W4S 4CTU4LLY PR3TTY FUNNY, NUBS._

 _GC: BUT NO, S3R1OUSLY, 1 GOT A V1S1TOR._

 _GC: B3L13V3 1T OR NOT, 1T'S H4RRY!_

 _AA: …what?_

 _TA: um, terezii, are you out of your 2ponge or 2omethiing?_

 _CG: YEAH, I'VE GOT BULLSHIT ON SPEED-DIAL. I'M CALLING BULLSHIT NOW._

 _AC: :33 Terezi, do you have purroof? Can we use the video chat?_

 _GC: 1F 1T'LL G3T YOU TO B3L13V3 M3, Y34H. JUST 4 W4RN1NG, THOUGH. H3'S JUST B33N THROUGH 4 LOT. SOLLUX, WOULD YOU OP3N UP TH3 V1D3O CH4T ON MY 3ND?_

 _TA: yeah, yeah. jegu2, make me do the hoofbea2t work…_

* * *

"Hey, Harry," Terezi called over from where she was seated at her computer screen. Harry, who had been trying to make sense of what had been going on, looked up. "Sollux is opening up the video chat. He wants to say hi, along with Karkat, Aradia, and Nepeta. Come over here a moment. Oh, wait." With her sleeve, she rubbed some of the saliva trails off the screen. "Better?"

"A bit." Suddenly, a quartet of windows popped up on the screen, each showing a different Troll. Two boys, two girls, about his age.

" _Whoa!_ " one of them yelped, a boy with four horns and a pair of glasses with two different-coloured lenses: one red, the other blue. His shirt had the symbol for Gemini, something Harry only knew because of his aunt's obsession with horoscopes. And when he spoke, it was with something of a lisp. " _Ith thith really Harry?_ "

" _Bullshit!_ " snapped another one, who, judging by the belligerent tone, had to be Karkat. He had messy hair, short horns, and a scowl on his face. The symbol of his shirt was for Cancer. " _Terezi just scrounged up some weirdo bum from somewhere. Or maybe this is one of Vriska's little jokes._ "

"Bite me, Karkat," Harry snarked. "Or should I call you Nubs?"

" _Hey, you told us you didn't have horns!_ " Karkat retorted. " _You can't be Harry!_ "

"He didn't have them when he first arrived, you idiot," Terezi snapped. "I was there when he arrived from…well, some planet called Earth. Somehow, they grew out after he arrived. Anyway, I couldn't smell any deceit from him. Hell, I could smell the surprise on him when he realised he was a Troll."

Another of the Trolls frowned. It was a girl with a large mane of curly, messy hair (it looked rather like Hermione's, now that he came to think about it), her horns also curly, like a ram's. Her symbol was Ares. " _So, you believe that's Harry?_ " she asked.

"I _know_ it is, Aradia," Terezi said.

Harry waved, uneasily. "Hey. So, you're Aradia…and I know that has to be Karkat…so is that you, Sollux, with the 3D glasses?"

" _Uh, I dunno what you mean by that, but yeth, I am Tholluxth._ "

" _And I'm Nepeta!_ " chirped the last of the Trolls, a girl with unkempt black hair, mostly hidden by a cat-faced blue hood. Her horns were almost like cat ears, and her mouth bore a cat-like smile. Her symbol was for Leo.

Harry stared at the screen. "All this time, Hermione and I have been talking to aliens. Bloody aliens. I mean, we have trolls back home, but they're big, ugly, dumb things. You're basically, well, humans with horns and grey skin."

"Hey, Harry," Terezi said. "Do you happen to have a photo or anything of yourself as a human or whatever you call yourself?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah," Harry said. He kept a photo of himself, Hermione, and Ron, taken in the Hospital Wing at the end of the previous school year, taken by Colin Creevey. He fished it out of the Captchalogue, and showed it to the screen.

Aradia blinked as she looked at the photo. " _Hmm…I see. Apart from the pink skin, variety of hair colour, and lack of horns, humans look very similar to us. But why is the picture moving?_ "

 _Oh shit_ , Harry cursed inwardly. He hadn't thought of that. "Long story. Anyway, that's me with the glasses, obviously. The girl is Hermione. And the redhead is Ron Weasley, a friend of ours from school."

" _Jegus, you look like something the cat dragged in and pissed all over_ ," Karkat muttered.

"I had just been in a fight for my life. Long story short, I am famous because a terrorist tried to kill me when I was young. He screwed up, even though he managed to kill my parents."

" _Parents? Do you mean Lusii or something?_ " Aradia asked.

"Uhh, anyway, I became famous, but I was raised by some pretty nasty relatives. I didn't know I was famous until I was twelve."

"Wait, you're over twelve sweeps old?" Terezi asked incredulously.

"Umm, no, I'm sixteen _years_ old. Oh, wait. A sweep might be different to a year back home. How long do Trolls live?"

" _It varies between Trolls of differing blood colours_ ," Aradia said. " _You appear to be about the same age as us, and we are over seven sweeps old._ " She shook her head. " _It has to be Harry. No Troll could possibly be this ignorant without being culled._ "

"…Well, there's Nubs," Terezi smirked.

" _Screw you, Terezi!_ " Karkat snapped.

"Okay, I'm more than a little lost here," Harry said. "I mean, it's nice to meet you guys and all, but I'm at sea here."

After a moment, Aradia said, " _Hey, Terezi, do you mind if Sollux and I come over? I want to see whatever Harry has in his Captchalogue up close._ "

"Sure! It's been a while since I've had a sleepover! What about you, Karkat?"

" _Oh sure, I'll come over for a sleepover with an unknown Troll you claim to be Harry, I DON'T think!_ " Karkat snapped. " _I'm going to feed my Lusus. Then, I'm going to sleep in my pod. Hopefully, this is just some stupid dream caused by the slime._ " With that petulant remark, he shut down the video chat window showing him.

" _As lovely as it sounds, Terezi, I'm going to have to decline_ ," Nepeta said. " _I promised Equius I'd come visit soon. Sorry. Don't worry, I won't say anything about Harry. But it was purrfectly nice talking to you, Harry! See ya!_ "

The video chat windows closed up, and Terezi sighed. "Well, that went well. Well, as well as it could have been with Nubby being a little twerp."

"Is he _ever_ in a good mood?" Harry asked.

"Not often." Terezi sighed. "We're probably gonna have to bring you up to speed. First things first, Harry. Your username, crazedCoatlscience, is actually the username of another Troll. We stumbled across a tract of his on the internet. His real name was Apollo Amduat. He is, well, was a scientist who was somewhat infamous here on Alternia. The status quo here isn't nice. If you really did grow up on another world, it's probably very different there. Anyway, Apollo disappeared on his way to a planet to investigate. Rumour had it that our ruler, Her Imperious Condescension, ordered him assassinated. Given what he wrote in his manifesto, it's hardly surprising. It wouldn't surprise me if either he ended up on Earth, or his Captchalogue did. His manifesto claimed that our method of reproducing was resulting in genetic stagnation, and wanted to try out methods of artificially incubating children."

"Umm…okay, so what's wrong with your method?"

Terezi shrugged. "Well, buckets are involved. And, as you like to say, long story."

Harry grimaced. Sex via buckets? Yeah, that sounded like a very long story. He (discreetly, he hoped) groped his groin to make sure everything was still there. Well, it felt normal. Though very little in this situation was.

And that's when it occurred to him. He was on another world. Light years, at least, from home. So how the hell was he going to get back to stop Voldemort? And, for that matter, how was he going to explain away this?

Suddenly, his glasses trilled. It was a signal from Hermione, or at least when someone wanted to chat via Trollian. He sighed, before opening up the chatroom.

 _crazedCoatlscience [CC] has started trolling giftedAthena [GA]_

 _CC: ISSIAUTNG._

 _GA: Harry! Where are you?_

 _GA: Dumbledore and the others, they're looking for you!_

 _CC: Hermione, breathe. I'm okay._

 _GA: I don't need to breathe while typing. Well, I don't need to pause for breath._

 _GA: GAH! I was so worried about you! It took a while before I could get enough privacy to try and contact you. Well, aside from Sirius. He's sitting right next to me. He says 'hi', by the way._

 _CC: Hi, Padfoot._

 _CC: Anyway, what's the big deal about keeping me in the dark during the summer?_

 _GA: Look, Dumbledore told us to not send you any letters. He was worried Voldemort might be able to trace where they've gone._

 _GA: That's why Hedwig didn't come back to you the last time you tried sending a letter to Sirius._

 _GA: I'm sorry._

 _CC: …Okay. I'll admit, I'm more than a little annoyed._

 _CC: But at least you tried to keep in touch via chat anyway, even if you still kept me in the dark._

 _CC: It's a moot point now._

 _CC: Anyway, what the hell happened? A bunch of Dementors swooped in out of the blue!_

 _GA: it's sirius here, harry. look, your guess is as good as mine._

 _GA: the first we heard about it was when all sorts of alarms dumbledore was monitoring went off over at the dursleys._

 _GA: then, arthur heard about you getting a hearing at the ministry of magic for using magic in front of a muggle._

 _GA: Hermione here again, Harry. Listen, the Ministry has been badmouthing you and Dumbledore in the Daily Prophet._

 _GA: Fudge refuses to believe Voldemort is back, and so he's running a character assassination on you._

 _gallowsCalibrator [GC] has joined the chat._

 _GC: SO, 1S TH1S 4 PR1V4T3 CONV3RS4T1ON, OR C4N 4NYON3 JO1N?_

 _GA: Terezi? Is that you?_

 _GC: Y34H. H4RRY'S W1TH M3. LOOK, YOU'R3 GONN4 F1ND TH1S H4RD TO B3L13V3, SO, W3LL, DO YOU H4V3 V1D3O CH4T ON YOUR L4PTOP?_

 _GA: …Yes. Why?_

 _CC: Terezi, I don't want her to see me…_

 _GC: DO YOU TRUST H3R, H4RRY?_

 _CC: …I did before._

 _GA: …Please, Harry. I want to help. So does Sirius. I promise I won't say anything._

Harry didn't want Hermione or Sirius to see him like this. However, Terezi muttered, "Might as well get this over and done with." She fiddled around with the keys, on the computer, before she said, "There we go, don't need Sollux!"

Harry, who had disengaged Trollian on his glasses, still turned away from the screen. However, he heard Hermione gasp. " _Oh my God. Is…is that really you, Terezi?_ "

"Yeah." Terezi then licked the screen, to Hermione's confusion. "Wow, your hair is even bushier than it was in that photo. And you must be Sirius, Harry's godfather."

" _Of course. But who are you? What are you? I mean, Hermione said that this 'chatroom' thing is like a telephone call, but with computers. But you're not human._ "

"Of course I'm not, I'm a Troll!" Terezi snapped irritably.

A pause, before Sirius said, " _Pull the other one. You're too cute and eloquent to be a troll._ "

Terezi sighed in irritation. "And you're a hairy idiot. Seriously, what's with all that hair on your face? You look like Gamzee after he's scrawled on his own face with marker pen." She sighed again. "Anyway, whenever this hearing is, Harry's not going to make it. I don't know how he got here, but we're on another planet, called Alternia. And well…" Terezi turned to Harry. "Come on, Harry. Show them."

Harry reluctantly turned to face the screen, and saw Hermione gasp in horror. Sirius was just staring. " _Harry…what happened to you?_ " Hermione asked.

"I don't know! I…just don't know, Hermione," Harry said.

Hermione ran a hand through her hair. " _Well, this is NOT going to go down well even if you did make it to the Ministry._ "

Sirius narrowed his eyes. " _When did we first meet?_ "

Harry blinked, before he said, "Well…it was near Privet Drive…though I thought you were a big dog. I raised my wand to try and scare you away, and the Knight Bus came along."

" _Okay, it's him, I'm pretty sure. Though there's something about this…I don't know, it seems vaguely familiar. I just can't remember_ …" Sirius muttered.

"Wait, wand? What do you mean, wand?" Terezi asked.

There was a knock on the door to Terezi's house. "Terezi? We're here," came the voice of Aradia.

"Okay! Hey, Harry, go and let them in, right?"

Harry nodded, and wandered over to the door, opening it. He didn't realise where exactly the house was until he opened the door. But he soon learned that they were in a literal treehouse, a house high up in a tree, a tree that had, he noticed, a number of those dragon stuffed toys hanging from nooses.

There, waiting near a crude elevator, was Sollux and Aradia. Aradia, after looking him up and down, smiled. "Good to see you in person, Harry."

"Thanks, Aradia. How did you get here so fast, though?"

"Appearifyer," Sollux said. "Teleportathion of a thort. Jeguth, you know thod-all about our thothiety, don't you?"

"Gimme a break. Until a short while ago, I thought I was human. Anyway, Hermione's on video chat."

"You're coping very well with learning you're a Troll, Harry," Aradia said as they entered the house.

"Don't worry, once I get a handle on the moment, I'll start screaming," Harry said, utterly serious.

As Hermione saw them enter, she said, " _And you two are?_ "

"It's me, Aradia," Aradia said with a smile. "And this is Sollux. Nice to see you, Hermione."

"Huh. Tho, that'th really Hermione?" Sollux asked. "Who'th the hairy one?"

" _I'm Harry's dogfather, Sirius Black._ "

"Dogfather?" Aradia asked. "Is that some sort of Lusus?"

Suddenly, Harry had his glasses taken off by Sollux. "Hey, what gives?"

"Thorry, I jutht wanted to thee your glatheth," Sollux said, peering at them from behind his own glasses. "Thethe are definitely Alternian Data-Glatheth, and one of the few that doethn't exthplode in your fathe. That'th why I never got one. That, and my powerth would play merry havoc with them. Telepathic interfathe, too. I'm checking it now. Huh, that'th weird. There theemth to be an unknown program, but it'th on the blink. I'll fikth it."

" _Is that wise, Sollux?_ " Hermione asked.

Terezi shrugged. "What's the worst it could do?"

"Explode in his face," Harry said, deadpan.

"It won't exthplode. I'm a profethional," Sollux said, not arrogantly but certainly confidently as he concentrated on it. "Now, let'th thee…what the…?!"

That was all the warning they had before the glasses exploded. Or rather, they seemed to. There was certainly a sudden strobe of light and a surge of immense pain in their heads. But the Trolls (and even the humans on the other side of the chat link) felt knowledge being shoved into their head at an extraordinary rate. It could have driven them mad, but it didn't.

Then, as they shook their heads to rid themselves of the pain and disorientation, they heard a voice, an electronically-warped voice. " _REBOOT COMPLETED. Oh, thank Jegus for that. Seriously, imagine spending fifteen years inside a crate wrapped in a straitjacket, and with a ball gag stuffed in your mouth. Not a pleasant image, is it?_ "

"Pleathe don't menthion any kinkth Equiuth would enjoy. I can't handle the weirdneth on top of it," Sollux groused, before he looked up, as did the others. The four gathered Trolls, and the humans on the video chat, stared in astonishment at the extraordinary figure in front of them.

He was definitely an adult Troll, tall, lanky, and with dark hair, from which poked a pair of lightning-shaped horns. His eyes were hidden beneath silvered glasses, and his smile was wide, and not quite sane, not helped by the needle-sharp teeth in it. His costume was even more bizarre. The coat he wore was a patchwork riot of colour that hurt the eyes, like a rainbow that had dysentery. Under the coat, he wore a dark shirt with a strange symbol, like a 'U' with a wavy line crossing it(1).

" _Anyway, allow me to introduce myself!_ " A fanfare blasted from nowhere, and the apparition of a Troll said, " _I am Doctor Apollo Amduat! Well, what's left of him, anyway, a digital ghost sealed in those glasses! And I have come back to help my son and heir! You may know him as Harry Potter, but his birth name is Ofiuco Amduat!_ " Apollo Amduat spread his arms. " _Give Daddy a hug, Ofiuco!_ "

At which point Harry, his brain unable to take any more strain, fainted.

* * *

The digital ghost of Apollo Amduat frowned as his son fainted. " _Was it something I said?_ "

 **CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, we've had the introduction of Apollo, as well as some of the Trolls' reactions to Harry being one of them, and vice versa.**

 **Firstly, some comment on the Trolls. Sollux, I gave a lisp, because he has one in a particularly good fandub of one of the chatlogs from the webcomic. I'm not mocking him, and the other Trolls won't, though it's hinted the lisp is canon, as during a chat, Terezi pronounces his name with a lisp.**

 **Aradia seems rather subdued, but I'm yet to read up to the parts where she is revived, so while not as dour and fatalistic as she is when dead, she's still not as enthusiastic.**

 **Apollo Amduat is an OC Troll character that I thought up for _Ofiuco Amduat and the Goblet of Fire_. As with all Troll names, his first name and surname are six letters each, and is related to his Zodiac sign, which is Ophiuchus (Ophiuchus is a snake being wrangled by someone, presumably Asclepius, Apollo is associated with snakes and Asclepius, who is his son, and Amduat is the serpentine symbol of the existence of creation before the gods arose in Egyptian mythology). While one of the Cherubs (Calliope, I think) has Ophiuchus in _Homestuck_ canon, here, it is the Amduat family. He is basically a mad scientist, and I will discuss the inspirations for him in the annotation below.**

 **NOTICE: I've rewritten small parts of this chapter to better fit what I have in mind for the continuing story after some reflection.**

 **1\. I basically envisioned Apollo as looking somewhat like a Troll version of Hiroto Minaka from _Sekirei_ , albeit wearing the Sixth Doctor's coat. In terms of personality, I looked for a blend of Yttral, the eccentric Dalek scientist from the webcomic _Second Empire_ (which I fully recommend to any Whovians) and Autochthon, the Primordial from _Exalted_ , specifically how he was portrayed in the hilarious _Mass Effect_ crossover _Glorious Shotgun Princess_ by Gregg Landsman. The 'U' with the wriggly line in it is the symbol of Ophiuchus.**


	4. Interlude: Background and Terms

**INTERLUDE:**

 **ALTERNIAN FACTS AND TERMINOLOGY**

 _The world of_ Homestuck _is quite rich in mythology, backstory, and terminology. For non-fans, this can be somewhat daunting, even when one strips out virtually everything to do with SBURB, SGRUB, and so on. Therefore, while Harry is unconscious, there will be an infodump of various terms and facts that are relevant to this story. Most of this is derived from Andrew Hussie's writing on the subject, but I have also deviated from_ Homestuck _canon in many places._ Homestuck _fans will no doubt notice where the deviations are. If you want to complain, resist the urge. I may have also gotten a few details wrong by accident. If that is the case, the wrong details are canon for this story. So there._

* * *

 _TROLLS:_

 _Humanoid beings native to Alternia. Generally look like humans, albeit with grey skin, orange sclera, similarly-coloured horns, and sharp teeth. Their technology is highly advanced: at this point where the story begins, about 2006, Troll society has already mastered FTL spaceflight, and has abused that on a campaign of conquest sweeping across the galaxy. Their society is belligerent, even towards each other._

 _Trolls, biologically, start off in life as larvae known as 'wrigglers'. The standard method of reproduction is for a number of partners to contribute genetic material to a bucket, which is then delivered to an organism known as a Mother Grub. The resulting mix is gestated in what has been charitably described as an 'incestuous slurry', and then, the Mother Grub gives birth to many wrigglers, who then have to weave a cocoon to metamorphose into a new form, that of a humanoid Troll. A number of wrigglers are culled in the process. The Troll must then undergo a series of trials that, if they survive, they will be chosen by a guardian beast known as a Lusus Naturae. Lusii act as a custodian, guardian, and even a belligerent mentor. A Lusus of particular note is the massive beast known as Gl'bgolyb, the former Lusus of the Condesce, and the current Lusus of the present heir, Feferi Peixes. Gl'bgolyb, a massive writhing mass of tentacles and mouths, must remain quiet, as should its voice ever be raised, it could potentially wipe out all life on Alternia._

 _Apollo Amduat, and indeed many scientists in the Amduat line, are noted for their controversial stance that Troll reproduction can be somewhat more direct and physical than using buckets. The Condesce is of the opinion that this stance is disgusting, puerile and plain sad, and not the prerogative of a civilised species. Whether the Trolls count as a civilised species is something that has never occurred to the Condesce, or really the vast majority of Trolls. Certainly their victims of conquest vehemently disagree._

 _In order to prevent any potential threats to her position, the Condesce, with few exceptions, has all adult Trolls fighting in her forces in a campaign of offworld conquest. In addition, she is known for murdering the current heir to her position when they come of age. The aforementioned current heir, Feferi Peixes, is yet to come of age, but that time is approaching._

 _The annual time period of Alternia is a 'sweep', and is equivalent to 2.16 (recurring) Earth years. Six sweeps, in other words, is exactly equivalent to 13 years. A sixteen year old human, like Harry is at the beginning of this story, would equate to approximately 7.4 sweeps._

 _Due to the intense sunlight of their homeworld, Trolls are nocturnal. Even going out in the day is dangerous to all but those with Jade blood (see below), if only because of the risk of going blind. On Earth, they would have less trouble. Their sleep is also frequently plagued by nightmares, so they need to sleep in recuperacoons filled with sopor slime._

* * *

 _THE HAEMOSPECTRUM:_

 _An important cornerstone of both Troll biology and their society is the 'haemospectrum'. Trolls do not have the uniform colour of blood human beings all possess. Instead, they have a wide variety of blood colours, which denote their rank in society. This actually has some basis in their biology rather than being a merely frivolous means of discrimination: those higher on the haemospectrum are generally stronger, longer-lived and more aggressive, though the latter is not a hard and fast rule. Also, those lower in the haemospectrum are more susceptible to psychic control._

 _The top six colours are called 'highbloods', and the lower five (standard) colours are called 'lowbloods'. In order from lowest to highest, the colours run burgundy, bronze, yellow, olive, jade, teal, cerulean, indigo, purple, violet and fuchsia. Violet and fuchsia are the province of the sea-dwellers, the highest-ranking Trolls, with fuchsia being indicative of royal blood._

 _Candy red blood is a rare mutation, and closest to human blood colour. Few Trolls are known to have possessed it. Sadly, one of the most infamous was known as the Sufferer, a figure from Troll history who protested against the inequities of Troll society…and who paid the price for his activism with a prolonged death. The Amduat line is rumoured (truthfully) to have candy red blood._

 _While the haemospectrum matters to the mainstream of Troll society, amongst the circle of younger Trolls presented here, it doesn't matter as much, to some at least._

 _A curious subset of the haemospectrum are the Rainbow Drinkers. Only those with Jade blood have been known to become Rainbow Drinkers, which are the Alternian equivalent of vampires. Interestingly, Jade bloods are the only Trolls who can withstand the intense sunlight on Alternia, an irony, considering vampires on Earth are said to be nocturnal._

 _For reference, here are the blood colours of the various Trolls mentioned or currently in this story, or yet to be seen:_

 _CANDY RED: The Sufferer, Karkat Vantas, Apollo Amduat, Ofiuco Amduat (Harry Potter)_

 _BURGUNDY: Aradia Megido_

 _BRONZE: Tavros Nitram_

 _YELLOW: Sollux Captor_

 _OLIVE: Nepeta Leijon_

 _JADE: Kanaya Maryam_

 _TEAL: Terezi Pyrope_

 _CERULEAN: Vriska Serket_

 _INDIGO: Equius Zahhak_

 _PURPLE: Gamzee Makara_

 _VIOLET: Eridan Ampora_

 _FUCHSIA: Feferi Peixes, Her Imperious Condescension (aka the Condesce, formerly Meenah Peixes)_

* * *

 _TROLL ROMANCE:_

 _It is perhaps worth pointing out, before we go on, that Alternian notions of romance are considerably more complex than human notions. These concepts of romance are called the Quadrants, and some Alternians have given them symbols not unlike those on playing cards on Earth. 'Red romance' are those relating to more positive emotions (though they frequently involve pity where Trolls are concerned, but Trolls classify 'pity' as any emotion other than hate), and 'Black romance' relate to more negative ones (especially hatred)._

 _MATESPRITSHIP (Heart): The closest thing to a romantic partner by human standards. A matesprit can be of either gender (Trolls, oddly enough by human standards, are bisexual by default). It is one of the 'concupiscent' quadrants, that is, one of those most focused on reproduction, and is the one based on the most positive emotions. At its best, there's actual romance and love._

 _MOIRALLEGIANCE (Diamond): This can be described as a form of platonic relationship where a Troll has a friend called a 'moirail', effectively someone who keeps them on the straight and narrow. It is both a form of moral guardianship and brotherly love._

 _AUSPISTICISM (Club): A three-way relationship, where the auspistice is a mediator, of sorts, between two rivals, or even enemies. Important if these rivals are also kismesises (see below)._

 _KISMESISSITUDE (Spade): A form of mutual hatred that bleeds over into an obsession, which the Trolls believe to be a kind of love, albeit 'black romance'. It also requires a certain mutual admiration as well. Each member of such a relationship is called a 'kismesis'. As an example, Terezi and Vriska are potential kismesises for each other._

* * *

 _TERMINOLOGY_

 _APPEARIFYER: A form of teleportation technology._

 _CAPTCHALOGUE: A form of item storage system not dissimilar to a video game inventory, based on special cards. The items are stored in another dimension. Many have specific storage methods. Weapon storage is via a subset of the Captchalogue, called a 'Strife Specibus'._

 _CONDESCE, THE: Short for 'Her Imperious Condescension'. Formerly known as Meenah Peixes. Has ruled Alternia for centuries with a manner that makes an iron fist look desirable by comparison, and is responsible for the current nature of Troll society. She has a habit of murdering any potential heirs when they come of age to prevent anyone from becoming a threat to her powerbase. She has led a campaign of ruthless conquest and domination against other worlds to found a vast intergalactic empire. If the above didn't clue you in, she is NOT a nice person by any means. And unlike_ Homestuck _canon, she doesn't have the excuse of external influence…_

 _FLARP: A form of Live Action Role-Playing that is considerably more dangerous than standard forms, potentially fatal, hence the acronym. Both Terezi and Vriska are enthusiastic FLARPERs, though after Vriska paralysed Tavros during a session, leading to the events where Vriska and Terezi injured each other, Terezi doesn't generally play anymore. Aradia enjoys LARP, but generally prefers to not play FLARP, especially after Tavros' injury._

 _HIVE: The term for a Troll home._

 _IMPERIAL DRONE: The enforcers of the Condesce's will on Alternia, usually sent to collect genetic material for reproductive purposes in buckets. If none is provided, the offending Troll is promptly culled by the Imperial Drone. And Trolls can be culled for other reasons._

 _LEGISLACERATORS: The name of the prosecuting counsel in Troll courtrooms, as well as bounty hunters. There is no such thing as a defence counsel in a Troll courtroom, and most Trolls find the concept of a defence counsel offensive. Terezi had ambitions to join the Legislacerators._

 _LUSUS NATURAE: A massive beast that acts as a younger Troll's 'parent', of sorts, as well as a somewhat aggressive mentor. Some will even eat other Trolls. Commonly called a Lusus. Plural: Lusii._

 _RECUPERACOON: A pod-like structure filled with sopor slime that acts as a bed for Trolls._

 _SOPOR SLIME: A soporific substance that Trolls sleep in (in a recuperacoon filled with it) to keep their nightmares at bay, as well as inhibit their more violent tendencies. While ingesting this substance is not recommended, Gamzee Makara does so, contributing to a mental state that can be called questionable and relaxed._

 _SUBJUGGLATORS: A form of religious organisation (and probably military or at least police) used to subjugate the lower classes. Gamzee is related to them._

 _THRESHECUTIONER: Part of the Alternian military, and known for their success in offworld conquests. Karkat aspired to join them, and enjoys a television series called_ The Thresh Prince of Bel-Air _. No, really._

 _TROLLIAN: The standard chat software of Alternia._


	5. Chapter 3: Apollo

**CHAPTER 3:**

 **APOLLO**

For the second time in a day, Harry opened his eyes blearily. Only he hoped what he had experienced after the first time waking up like this was something in a dream. He had, after all, just been attacked by Dementors, somehow Apparated to another world, turned into an alien with grey skin and horns, met his chat buddies who were also aliens, and his birth father was living on in a pair of magic glasses.

Then, when his eyes met the concerned eyes of Aradia, he realised, that wasn't a dream. The nightmare was very much reality.

 ** _Fuck_**.

"He's coming round. He seems all right," Aradia said. She then glared at the ghost of Apollo Amduat. "What did you do to us?"

" _High-intensity memory download. Saves time, and I don't have to waste my breath on endless exposition. I gave the Trolls present knowledge of Earth and humanity, while my son and his associates back home were given knowledge of Alternia and the Trolls_ ," Apollo said. " _By the way, if clear liquid starts trickling out of your ears…well, that means I did it wrong, and that's cerebrospinal fluid leaking out. In which case, you have my permission to panic._ "

"It felt like my thkull wath uthed ath a bucket for procreathion by kithmethethith," Sollux groused, taking his glasses off and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Give uth thome bloody warning before you do thomething like raping our thpongeth."

" _Better to ask for forgiveness than permission, that's what I always say_ ," Apollo said cheerfully.

" _Fuck you_ ," groaned Sirius from the screen. " _I feel like I drank a lake of Firewhiskey and went a few rounds with a troll. Earth trolls, not…whatever the hell you are_." He opened his eyes, and sat up straight suddenly. " _Now I remember! Dammit, Lily, why didn't you trust me?_ "

" _Trust you? About what?_ " Hermione asked.

After a moment, Sirius looked at the screen. " _Harry, are you okay?_ "

"I feel like ten pounds of crap in a five bound bag, and I've discovered I'm not human anymore…and something tells me I never was," Harry muttered in annoyance.

Sirius ran a hand through his hair. " _Well, that's the case. Where do I begin? It sounds stupid. Hell, it sounds like that Superman comic._ " After a moment, he gathered himself. " _It was back during Voldemort's first rise to power. Your parents had only just gotten married, and Lily was pregnant, when they were ambushed by a group of Death Eaters. One of them managed to snap off a couple of curses at your parents. One rendered James sterile, and the other caused Lily to have a miscarriage. It nearly killed her, and it certainly rendered her barren. Those curses are obscure ones, but if they can be proven to be used against a Pureblood line, they're a one-way ticket to Azkaban. Now, as you can guess, your parents were in a pretty bad way, especially as they were pretty sure who the culprit was. But then, something happened. A mysterious object fell from the skies near their home, and crashlanded. As you may have guessed, it was a spaceship. There were only two occupants inside. A man, and a baby. They took them in, but the man was dying._ "

" _Ah, yes. That man was me!_ " Apollo declared.

" _I'm getting to that_ ," Sirius said irritably. " _Anyway, I only met him once before you died. He and Lily were discussing all sorts of scientific shit when I came over. Anyway, Amduat is considered insane by Troll standards. He's sort of what Muggles would call a mad scientist. Not actually a bad guy, just a few eggs short of a dragon's nest._ "

" _I resemble that remark!_ " Apollo snapped.

" _The thing was, though, he ran afoul of the ruler of Alternia, Her Imperious Condescension, or the Condesce for short. The upshot is, he had had a child using a different method to just about the entire Troll species. His lover was killed, and in the process of escaping with his child, his ship was fired upon just as it went into…warp drive, I think Lily called it? Anyway, he crashlanded here. He was dying of his injuries. But the child survived. He asked for James and Lily to adopt him, look after him. And they did._ "

Terezi crossed her arms. "So, how did you forget something like that? I mean…I know you guys are wizards and witches. That little force-fed download into my brain included that. Don't you have some sort of memory alteration thing?"

" _The Memory Charm_ ," Sirius said. " _Lily did it, to anyone who knew apart from James. That was myself, Remus, and the rat. She wanted to raise Harry as normal, until she felt he was old enough. But how are you still alive, Apollo?_ "

" _Well, you see, those glasses were my own, once upon a time, and I built in not only psionic control, but a form of memory backup that created an AI clone of myself. Ta-dah!_ " Apollo finished with a flourish. " _Unfortunately, the program was corrupted by accident while James was trying to make this hologram image 'solid'. I was forced to shut down until the program repaired itself._ "

" _Yeah. But anyway, James and Lily used both a blood adoption ritual, as well as a tricky bit of Transfiguration to make you look human_ ," Sirius said.

" _But…those memories this Apollo put into our heads…Alternia is a horrible place!_ " Hermione said in a horrified tone. " _Cullings, monstrous guardians called Lusii, and the adults are part of an interstellar conquering army!_ "

"True," Aradia said. "But lately…well, if you read between the lines in the propaganda broadcasts, those we've conquered are fighting back, and hard. The Condesce is losing the war, and she hates that. Frankly, some of us just want to get off Alternia before we're either conscripted into the Condesce's forces, or get wiped out by our enemies. Or both."

Terezi nodded. "A few years ago, we stumbled across Amduat's manifesto…"

" _Ooh, I loved writing that, especially the part where I said the Condesce loves to have it off with her former Lusus_ …" Apollo began, before Terezi cut him off.

"TMI, idiot. I had nightmares for months. So did poor Feferi: it's her Lusus now!"

" _Oh, so you have the latest royal heir on your side?_ " Apollo said. " _That's good. Especially for her. The Condesce tends to kill the latest heir when they come of age, so that they can't threaten her position._ "

"Anyway, some of us were trying to find ways to get off-world. Karkat, Nepeta, Tavros, Kanaya, Feferi…the only ones we haven't tried to bring in are Vriska, Equius, Gamzee and Eridan."

" _Vriska…isn't that the one who logs in using the handle arachnidsGrip?_ " Hermione asked.

"Yeah. Long story short, we haven't been on great terms since she caused Tavros to get paralysed, I caused her to lose her arm, and she tricked me into getting blinded. I don't trust her that much anymore," Terezi said. "Equius is obsessed with the haemospectrum, even if he had a thing for Aradia, Eridan is not fond of surface-dwelling Trolls, and Gamzee…well, he's spaced out most of the time on sopor slime, and he might let something slip to one of the others. Plus, he's part of a long line of Subjugglators."

"Oh, _great_ ," Harry muttered. The information his biological father had crammed into his skull included the Subjugglators. And they weren't nice at all, to say the least.

"Well, the thing is, if you managed to somehow get back to Alternia without a ship," Terezi pointed out, "maybe you could get us back to Earth."

" _It had better be soon_ ," Apollo said with a frown. " _I've just been hacking into the various systems around Alternia, and, well, the forces of the Condesce are most definitely falling back to Alternia. It seems that her war of conquest has gone very badly indeed. I knew this would happen, but…oh dear. It seems that the Condesce's would-be victims are embarking on a war of destruction. They intend the complete annihilation of Alternia. And the Condesce intends to make sure that if Alternia falls, then so does every Troll._ "

It was Harry who broke the silence, summing up the thoughts of everyone present, Troll and human, in two words.

"Well, **_fuck_**."

And then, the digital ghost of his biological father ruined the near-solemnity of that expletive. " _Never fear! I, the mighty Doctor Apollo Amduat, PhD, BSC, SSC, AMYOYO(1), have a backup plan! You see, when the Condesce, aka the Queen Bitch of the Galaxy, refused to even consider the possibility that we might ever be threatened as a species, I created a race bank, with diverse genetic samples from as many Trolls as I could. Had to intercept more than a few buckets for that, very messy business. I also obtained samples from a number of species, including Lusii! You don't want to know what I had to do to get samples from Gl'bgolyb, believe me! And I brought that race bank with me to Earth! You see, I had an assistant, a scout of sorts who had gone to Earth ahead of me. I sent that race bank to her via Appearifyer! So, if we can get back to Earth, we can have you guys start the Trolls anew, albeit without as much of the nastier parts of society._ "

"Easier said than done," Harry muttered. "How are we going to get back to Earth?"

" _It's a work in progress! All truly great plans are perpetually works in progress!_ "

"In other words, you don't know," Terezi said, giving the impression of rolling her eyes behind her glasses.

" _Semantics!_ "

Harry frowned. Was there one possibility? "Dobby?" he called out.

A few seconds later, there was a familiar pop. "How can Dobby helps the Great Mr Harry Potter…WAGH! DON'T EAT DOBBY!"

Well…maybe Harry should have reconsidered summoning Dobby into the midst of the Trolls. What with the grey skin, horns, and teeth…

* * *

Back on Earth, Dumbledore was becoming immensely anxious as he paced his office. The Dursleys were dead. Well, soulless husks who were as good as. And that meant the Blood Wards had fallen. Which also meant that Harry was vulnerable.

The problem was, Harry was also missing. And the Ministry was hoping to ruin the reputations of the pair of them by hauling Harry out in front of a kangaroo court. And Dumbledore couldn't let that happen. Harry was a symbol needed for the fight against Voldemort. Dumbledore cursed having so many irons in the fire…

* * *

Back on Alternia, Vriska Serket sneezed, before scowling, her eyes (one with one pupil, the other with seven) narrowing in annoyance. SHE was the one who had lots of irons in the fire, thank you very much, not anyone else…

* * *

The tracking devices were of no good whatsoever. They had imploded. In fact, the only thing telling Dumbledore that Harry was still alive was the charm linked to one of his gadgets. And, to his relief, the one showing the Horcrux in his head had become inert. Somehow, Harry had lost the Horcrux…and with it, the most dangerous death sentence hanging over his head.

But even so, if Harry was absent from the hearing, he would be tried in absentia. And the way Fudge and that appalling Umbridge woman were going, they would have people out for Harry's blood, influenced by the monies and silver tongue of Lucius Malfoy. Voldemort would be able to win with little effort at all. Dumbledore could protect him, but he couldn't do that with Harry missing.

So where was he?

* * *

And in a spaceship heading for Alternia…

"So, are you prepared?"

"Yes. Thanks to the intelligence we got, this Gl'bgolyb entity, should be able to kill every Troll if it ever speaks beyond a certain volume. And with the Condesce pulling back her remaining forces to Alternia…"

"But do we have the right to do this? Wipe out an entire species? Even the children?"

"They've done the same to us, and to many other worlds. The Trolls are too dangerous to allow to live. Anyway, we can say the Condesce lost control of her pet. You have your orders. If we fail, then we die. Remember that…"

It's odd how desperation can lead to the discarding of morality. Or how easily the death warrant of an entire species can be signed. Whether the Trolls deserved their death sentence proclaimed by those they formerly tormented is up to debate, but it meant that Harry and his friends were running out of time…

 **CHAPTER 3 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Oh dear. Shit's about to go down.**

 **The aliens aren't going to be named or described. Plus, they're not going to go after Harry and the others when they escape Alternia.**

 **SPECIAL NOTICE: Now, people who have read this story before will notice a lot of changes to this chapter. I removed the Dumbledore-bashing after a lot of soul-searching, and realising that, while it could have worked with the story, it complicated matters. In fact, this story had been heavily revised after this chapter, with new concepts being brought in.**

 **Review-answering time! ZyteWCDb: I've been part of a fandom for years, namely the _Doctor Who_ fandom. Believe me, they are longer-established and even more…shall we say, passionate that even _Homestuck_ fans? Also, I have already stated that SBURB and SGRUB do not exist in this universe. Neither does Doc Scratch, Lord English, etcetera.**

 **1\. The 'BSC' and 'SSC' are references to Arnold Rimmer putting the initials for 'Bronze Swimming Certificate' and 'Silver Swimming Certificate' after his name. 'AMYOYO' is medical slang, standing for 'Alright, Motherfucker, You're On Your Own'.**


	6. Chapter 4: Plans and Further Revelations

**CHAPTER 4:**

 **PLANS AND FURTHER REVELATIONS**

It took a moment for Harry to convince Dobby, who was on the verge of Apparating away (or whatever House Elves did) out of understandable fright, of who he was. Dobby, as it turned out, was more than capable of ferrying people over what had to be interstellar, if not intergalactic, distances. But Terezi, Aradia and Sollux were loath to leave their friends behind. That list definitely counted Tavros, Karkat, Nepeta, Kanaya, and Feferi. There were four others in that circle of…friends, of a sort, who were possibles, for various reasons, but they would have to be brought to Earth quickly, to avoid any problems of them blabbing to the Condesce and her minions.

Vriska Serket was, apparently, a conniving manipulative bitch who had nearly killed Tavros and Terezi, though the latter was as retaliation for Terezi nearly causing Vriska's own death in revenge for crippling Tavros. Equius Kahhak was very much an advocate of the haemospectrum, though he had apparently the hots for Aradia. Gamzee Makara was harmless, theoretically, but he probably couldn't keep a secret to save his own life, what with being spaced out on sopor slime all the time. Eridan Ampora…well, he didn't think much of land-dwellers, being one of the sea-dwelling nobility.

As they bustled around, trying to figure out whether to take these others or not, Aradia looked at the ghostly form of Apollo. "You said you had an assistant on Earth."

" _Yes, I did. I believe she was also a Megido: Haisha Megido_ ," Apollo said.

Aradia frowned. "Haisha? But she died. Well, so I heard. But then again, I've never heard her voice."

"Heard her voice?" Harry asked.

Terezi shrugged. "Aradia and Sollux are both psychic. They can also see the future, dimly. The spirits of the dead speak to Aradia. She very nearly set them on Vriska after she crippled Tavros, but I knew Vriska would have retaliated badly."

"So if you could see the future," Harry asked, "why couldn't you see the Condesce losing the war?"

"We can only see it dimly," Aradia said.

Sollux nodded. "The only thing we can thee for thertain ith the Vatht Glub."

"The Vast Glub?" Harry asked.

Terezi, who was packing her toys away in her Captchalogue, shuddered. "The Lusus of the Peixes line, Gl'bgolyb, is a big frigging monster with tentacles and mouths and…ugh. Anyway, Feferi once told me that, should Gl'bgolyb ever raise its voice above a whisper, well…every Troll on this world will die. The Condesce could certainly trigger it. If it gets too intense, virtually every Troll within the empire will die. Interstellar, in other words, if not across the whole galaxy. I don't know how far we are from Earth, but I'm hoping it's far enough."

"We don't know when it will happen," Aradia said, "but given what Apollo said, it may be soon."

"Great, more pressure," Harry muttered.

" _Worry not, my fretful wrigglers!_ " Apollo declared. " _Earth is in the next galaxy over, and is just out of range of the Vast Glub! Well, give or take a light year._ "

Harry couldn't help but roll his eyes. After Dobby had appeared, Sirius and Hermione had gone to find Remus and Dumbledore. Harry wasn't sure he wanted to bring Dumbledore into things, not after being kept in the dark, but unfortunately, Harry didn't intend to remain on Alternia for very long. He and those he brought back needed protection until they could be disguised, and that meant either the hideout of the Order of the Phoenix, or Hogwarts, both of which were under Dumbledore's control.

Sirius and Hermione both understood Harry's qualms, and it was Hermione who pointed out the reasons why they were considering this. Harry accepted reluctantly, but privately resolved to press Dumbledore for information.

There was a trilling from the computer. Terezi walked over, and activated Trollian. "Huh, looks like Hermione's activating video chat. Hold on."

She activated it, to reveal Hermione and Dumbledore, as usual wearing a riot of colours, peering at the camera. "… _A most extraordinary device…_ _ **oh**_ _. I see what you meant, Miss Granger. Hello, Harry. I must admit, you look better than I feared. Changes aside, of course._ "

"Professor," Harry said coldly. He was perversely pleased by the self-reproaching wince on Dumbledore's face. And he was even more pleased by the look of shock on Dumbledore's face when Terezi licked the screen, and then began cackling.

"Oh, your clothes taste delicious!" Terezi giggled.

"Terethi, pleathe avoid freaking out the alienth with your colour tathting thing. Thith ith kinda Firtht Contact we're making here," Sollux snarked.

"But his clothes! They have so many colours blended together! Okay, no candy red, but I'm tasting half the fucking rainbow!" She wiped her drool from the screen, though, giving Harry a wonderful view of Dumbledore having the most hilarious look of shock on his face.

After a moment, Dumbledore said, trying to recover his handle on the moment, " _May I ask you your names?_ "

"Well, I'm Terezi Pyrope. Mr Four Horns is Sollux Captor, and Miss Curly Horns is Aradia Megido. Oh, and that holographic nutjob is Apollo Amduat. And you are?"

" _Professor Albus Dumbledore. The Headmaster of Hogwarts._ "

" _You look like the sort of hoofbeast you humans call a goat_ ," Apollo said bluntly. " _Well, after an accident in a paint factory. I believe the means you used to create paints on Earth are much better._ "

"Real tactful, dad," Harry muttered quietly.

Dumbledore, after a moment, seemed to just roll with it. " _Miss Granger and Sirius have only told me a few pertinent points. I must confess, had I known of this…but that's yet another mistake to add to the litany I have accumulated over the years. Harry, have you managed to tell any of them your situation?_ "

"They know about magic, but I haven't said anything about Voldemort."

" _Ah. Then you had better apprise them of the situation._ "

"Wait, what's this?" Terezi asked. "Voldemort? Who in their right minds would give a wriggler the name of Voldemort?"

" _Voldemort is a small-time version of the Condesce_ ," Apollo said. " _Crazy, megalomaniacal, and loves drop-kicking small animals for fun._ "

" _A rather laconic, if overly facile, assessment_ ," Dumbledore said. " _Voldemort wishes to conquer Britain, and then the world. But he also wants Harry dead, partly because Harry has thwarted him time and again._ "

"So…we're talking an actual nemesis, rather than a kismesis," Terezi said.

" _I have no idea what you mean by a 'kismesis', Miss Pyrope, but Voldemort does want to see Harry dead_ ," Dumbledore said. Hermione whispered in his ear, presumably telling him what Apollo had downloaded into her head, and he paled. " _Oh, most certainly not. Though that would certainly explain a lot about Severus and James_ …"

Harry, who knew what a kismesis was thanks to Apolo's mental download, snapped, "No, no, **_no!_** Do NOT put that mental image into my head of my father and Snape like **_that!_** " He gagged. "Oh Merlin, I think I threw up in my mouth a little at the thought."

"That bad?" Aradia asked, as Hermione herself gagged quietly.

Harry scowled. "Let me put it this way: I have no problem with two guys wanting to do that sort of thing, even if I don't swing that way, but the thought of Snape… _ugh_."

" _You know, Harry, you could have fun making out to Malfoy that he is_ _ **your**_ _kismesis_ ," Hermione said with a shrug.

"Hermione!"

"Tho, thould I get thome popcorn?" Sollux lisped. "Or are we going to be actually doing thomething?"

"We'll start getting you guys across to Earth via Dobby," Harry said. "Once there…well, I'll probably have to use that Transfiguration or something to look human again. Probably you guys too, Magical Britain won't react well."

" _No, they won't_ ," Dumbledore said. " _Those with creature heritage are discriminated against, and I doubt they would count you as human beings. Throughout human culture, horns are seen as a sign of power, or of the demonic. If any of you have magic, I will endeavour to enrol you in Hogwarts, but…there is a problem. I don't know whether Miss Granger or Sirius have told you, Harry, but the Ministry is running a smear campaign against you, as well as myself. At best, I am seen as senile, and you as delusional. But at worst…the Minister believes I wish to usurp him. Personally, I think the post of Minister is highly overrated. But Fudge doesn't see it that way. The problem is, someone sent the Dementors after you._ "

"Voldemort? Or one of the Death Eaters?" Harry asked.

" _While that is a possibility, I personally don't believe Voldemort would have ordered this, if only because he wants to murder you personally_ ," Dumbledore said, resettling his glasses on his nose. " _It is either one of his more overzealous underlings, trying to curry favour, or else someone within the Ministry itself. Not Fudge, certainly: he wants you discredited, not dead. Unfortunately, because you supposedly used a Patronus in front of Muggles, you have been called to a hearing for Underage Magic._ "

"I didn't use a Patronus," Harry pointed out. "I was about to, but…I felt pain, Professor. In my head. I think it was me changing back to a Troll."

" _That's not all that's changed, my boy_ ," Dumbledore said. " _Your scar has faded, I can tell from here. Whatever changed you back to your original state has purged what remained of the dark magic within. I wouldn't be surprised if the link you had to Voldemort is gone, which is mostly a good thing. The only way keeping it would be good would be if you were able to gain intelligence about Voldemort's plans. Harry, I would like you to ask Dobby to transfer you, as well as the people you are bringing over from Alternia, to Hogwarts. The Chamber of Secrets will do, if Dobby can bring you there…_ "

"Actually, Dobby hears of Come and Go Room, Headmaster," Dobby said. "Other Hogwarts elveses told me."

" _Well, if you believe that would be a good place to hide, then I will trust your judgement Dobby_ ," Dumbledore said. " _Once there, I will attempt to re-apply the Transfiguration that your parents put you into, if only to ensure that your appearance will not be used against you. For the time being, I will endeavour to keep the truth about your heritage quiet from anyone who doesn't know about it already. We will have to consider a cover story for how you disappeared from Surrey, though a blind Apparition in panic can be used as the basis. It is the truth, after all. I will let the others know you are safe, but nothing else._ "

"Hey, wait a moment, Mr Multicolour Dreamrobes," Terezi said. "You're saying Harry needs to defend himself at a hearing. Like…a court or something?"

" _I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that, but as Fudge seems set on dragging Harry's reputation through the mud, he may end up in a full hearing in front of the Wizengamot, which is not unlike a trial in many regards. Why do you ask, Miss Pyrope? And why are you grinning so widely? My word, I haven't seen so many sharp teeth like that since the First Task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament, and that was in a dragon's mouth._ "

Terezi was grinning, and she was also beginning to chuckle. The chuckle built into a cackle. "Oh, this is rich! So Harry, in effect, needs a defence lawyer?"

" _Well, I most certainly hope not, but I have a witness who did see Dementors in Surrey, so_ …"

"Mr Multicolour Dreamrobes, which I think is a more awesome name than Albus Dumbledore, dunno what your Lusus was smoking when they gave you that name, I happen to be an aspiring Legislacerator. Given what Apollo the Ghostly Fruitcake said, that's equivalent to a prosecution lawyer on your world."

" _And defence lawyers?_ " Dumbledore asked, appalled.

" _No such thing, apparently_ ," Hermione said. " _Their society is…bizarre and weird. It makes Magical Britain look tame by comparison._ "

"Hello Pot, I'm Kettle. Did I menthion how black you are thith morning?" Sollux lisped.

"In theory, a defence lawyer can be a prosecutor," Terezi said. "Plus, I'm blind. It'd be hard to pull the wool over my eyes."

"… _I'll consider that kind offer_ ," Dumbledore said in a diplomatic but tight tone that suggested he was considering anything but that. " _The hearing is scheduled for August 12. It's now late at night on August 2. I'd suggest making sure you get back to Earth well before then. I had better get going. I have a lot of things to attend to. And when you do get back…there are some things I must tell you. Things I am sure you will hate me for keeping from you. For what it's worth, Harry, I am truly and deeply sorry._ " And with that, Dumbledore handed the laptop over to Hermione, and left.

"Well, that got real," Sollux remarked.

Harry noticed Hermione rubbing at her head. "Is something the matter, Hermione?"

" _Just, lately, I've been getting headaches and bad nightmares for no real reason at all_ ," Hermione said. " _I think it's just stress. Plus, Mum had been snooping around with my computer. Said shortly before I was brought here that I shouldn't be using this Trollian thing._ "

"Maybe you should get some rest," Harry said. "We'll deal with heading to Earth. Stay well, Hermione."

" _You too, Harry. And stay safe._ " She shut down the chat window.

"So, are you two matesprits?" Aradia asked.

"Not exactly," Harry said. "She was one of my first friends. She's more like a sister. I mean, I wouldn't say no, but would she want to be with me like that, now that I'm a Troll?"

"I don't know," Terezi said, before she smirked. "But she'd be missing out on a lot, that's for sure…"

 **CHAPTER 4 ANNOTATIONS:**

 ***sigh* Well, that's that chapter over and done with.**

 **Now, a few of you following this story might be confused. I decided, after some soul-searching, to get rid of the Dumbledore-bashing. I removed the earlier references and changed the story posted so far slightly. It's probably just as well: I had written a much different version of this chapter and one afterwards that was VERY rushed, and I had written myself into a corner with the next chapter (namely, how the Trolls were going to hide themselves on Earth). So, for those of you who are at sea, go back and re-read this story, from Chapter 2, if you want the changes.**

 **BTW, the next chapter will be an omake chapter. Having done a terminology chapter earlier, I think that I should really re-post a modified version of the first chapter of Ofiuco Amduat and the Goblet of Fire. Why is it an omake? Because it has the Dursleys alive and on trial, and they've been Kissed by the Dementors already. But it was such a good bit, based on Terezi's mock trial from the** ** _Homestuck_** **webcomic, that I can't resist publishing it as part of this story, even if it's only as an omake.**

 **Review-answering time!** **Guest** **: Snape wasn't sure whether he succeeded during his attack, so he assumed that he had failed. Much to his chagrin.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	7. Omake: Legislacerator Pyrope v Vernon,

**OMAKE:**

 **LEGISLACERATOR TEREZI PYROPE V. VERNON, PETUNIA, AND DUDLEY DURSLEY**

 _This omake was originally published as part of the first chapter of_ Ofiuco Amduat and the Goblet of Fire, _which can be read in_ The Cauldron _if you're interested. But I thought this little mini-story, while not at all canon to_ Kakistocracy, _is such a darkly funny little piece that it deserves its own little omake chapter, which is something different from my usual thing. I generally do either one-shots or an omake compilation, though the only time I really did the latter was with my_ Highschool DxD _crossover_ Fall to Zenith _(the omakes compilation is called_ Tales of the Fall, _for the interested). Here, it's an amusing diversion that, when I add new chapters to the main story, you can simply skip over if you wish. I hope you don't. I hope you enjoy this_ …

* * *

There were many ways that Petunia Dursley would want to wake up, and many ways she didn't want to. One of the ways she didn't want to wake up was tied to a chair with a bruised face and a headache rivalling just about every hangover she had ever had. And yet, here she was, doing so, her husband and her son also tied to chairs, and also stirring.

They were in a darkened room, and she could see little outside of a circle of light. Strange smells permeated the room, and Petunia knew she could hear the sound of raspy breathing. Hell, she even thought she heard a malicious snicker.

Vernon, of course, once he regained consciousness, took umbrage at his situation. "What the bloody hell is going on here?!" he bellowed hoarsely.

Once more, the malicious snicker rang out. Then, what sounded like the voice of a teenaged girl rasped out. "Hell's a pretty appropriate term, humans."

"Terezi, cut the fucking drama and let's get this fucking thing over and done with. I don't want to look at these freaks any longer than I have to, or else I'm going to be fucking puking things up from meals I haven't even had yet! Seriously, Ofiuco, did you live in a fucking zoo?" This was a teenaged boy's one, as was the next one.

The voice that came was strangely familiar, if aged, but Petunia couldn't quite recognise it. "Well, there was a walrus, a giraffe, and a baby whale, so I guess so, Karkat. I had to be zookeeper and servant to these animals."

"Fuck. I thought we had it fucking bad with our Lusii. I take back every fucking thing I said about your whining. I'm finding it a fucking trial just looking at them. My eyes need scrubbing with the best slime we have."

"Pipe down, Karkat," came another girl's voice, a more deep, confident one. "Anyway, they're repulsive, true, but this ought to be fun. Thanks for letting me attend, Terezi."

"Thank Ofiuco for that," the first voice, presumably Terezi, said. "I may have forgiven you for that blinding me thing, Vriska, but normally I wouldn't send you an invite to such things."

"Hey, I love FLARP, Terezi. And this is going to be pretty F FLARP. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Plus, my Lusus will get off my back for a while. Or drop dead of cholesterol poisoning. Either way is fine."

Vernon had decided to bellow. "Shut up! I demand to see my lawyer! I have rights!"

Again, the snicker from Terezi. "Silly human. You mean a defence lawyer, right? Well, we don't have these things on Alternia. Troll law is very different to your quaint Earth customs. Tavros, lights!"

Suddenly, the lights snapped on, and the Dursleys found themselves…in a courtroom. Well, an almost childish mockup of a courtroom, decorated in scrawls of chalk. The judge was a cartoonish scrawl, labelled His Honourable Tyranny, and had horns. A gallows was scrawled next to it.

There was also a small stand, doubling as what was either a jury box…or a public gallery. And it was populated by a number of children, all about thirteen or so. Another was standing near a box labelled, rather messily, L3G1SL4C3R4TOR T3R3Z1 PYROP3. And they were all clearly not human.

Oh, they looked vaguely human, enough that, if you ignored the twilight-coloured horns and the grey skin and the orange sclera of their eyes, they could pass for human, all with messy black hair. Oh, and the teeth, the very sharp teeth they were showing.

Vernon's complexion purple in anger and a little fear. "Freaks! You freakish brats let us go this instant!"

"Newsflash, you corpulent fuck," a boy with a shirt with the astrological sign for Cancer sneered. His voice was that of the one addressed as Karkat. "Here on Alternia, you're the fucking freaks. And you're a long way from home, fuckface. Like, we're talking fucking light sweeps, or years, whatever the fuck you have on your dirtball of a planet. You even know what that means? It means you're in the shit. And we Trolls are shitting on you."

The one standing near the box, a girl who was wearing red-tinted sunglasses and a shirt with the sign for Libra, spoke. "Karkat, as much as I like to hear you swear up the place, need I remind you that this is a courtblock, and any further outbursts will have you summarily ejected?" This was the voice Petunia had associated with Terezi. She then turned her gaze to Vernon, and said, "And any further outbursts from you will have you summarily executed."

"You can't do anything to me," Vernon sneered. "I have rights."

Terezi sighed. "Ofiuco?"

"On it." This came from a boy, wearing glasses, and with a very familiar face. As he emerged from behind another of these things, Petunia felt her breath hitch in her throat. There was the scar, jagged, zig-zagging out from his messy fringe, faded now. His eyes had green irises, so much like that bitch of a sister of hers. His shirt bore what looked like a U with a wavy line on it.

"You! BOY! YOU'VE…" Suddenly, Vernon couldn't speak.

"Silence in the courtroom," Harry Potter, or at least the Troll he had become said, having waved a hand. "I mean, courtblock. I forget, Terezi, do you have bailiffs to maintain order?"

Terezi cocked her head. "Hmm…Linewhippers keep order in the court, so I guess you're the Linewhipper here, Ofiuco."

"Ofiuco?" Petunia asked, confused. "But his name is Harry."

Harry glared at her. "I wouldn't know it, given how many times you and your family called me 'freak' or 'monster' or, when you were feeling very, very generous…'boy'. I am not Harry Potter anymore, save to my friends. You aren't my friends, or my family. The best outcome for the day you can hope for is being eaten alive by a Lusus. Vriska's, to be precise."

A girl with glasses, the sign for Scorpio on her shirt, and horns that looked like the pincer and tail of a scorpion, waved with a vicious grin. "And my Lusus is a giant spider. Just saying!" Vriska said with cheerful sadism.

"My name is Ofiuco Amduat," Harry said with finality. "Terezi?"

The girl with the red-tinted glasses grinned. Well, she almost always grinned, but her grin, filled with a lot of sharp little teeth, widened. She waltzed up to Petunia, a cane in hand (was she blind? She didn't act blind), and then began staring at her, the Troll's lips set in a scowl rather than a grin. They stared at each other, Terezi in cold contempt, and Petunia with fear. Then, Terezi slapped her, once, then twice.

"Stop hitting Mum, you freak!" Dudley screamed.

"Oh? Would you rather I did the same for you?" Terezi purred. "This is the job of a Legislacerator, Dudley. Plus…" She slapped Petunia hard enough to draw blood. "Red blood. Not quite candy-red, but still…" She sniffed it, and then licked it off her face. "Delicious. I love red things."

"Careful, Terezi," said a girl who was dressed like a cat, and whose horns looked vaguely like cat ears. "Kanaya might think you're purrloining her rainbow-drinking thing."

"It's fine, Nepeta," Harry said. "She likes seeing my blood too. I'm used to it."

"Monster," Petunia choked out.

"Troll, actually," Terezi said. "Now…I wanted to ask you a few questions. I doubted I would get it from the walrus or the baby whale, as Ofiuco here puts it, but I thought I'd ask you. Oh, your guilt has been determined. Don't get me wrong, the stuff you put Ofiuco through when he was still Harry is stuff some of us have to put up with. But, well, I didn't think humans would stoop so low. And, well, we know Ofiuco has magic, even before his old man Trollified him. So…I'm going to ask you a few questions, and you're going to answer them. Now…how did his parents die?"

"A car crash! They were drunken dolescum, and…"

Terezi tapped her gently with the cane, but the gesture was enough to shut Petunia up. She sniffed the air. "As I thought…the sweet scent of deceit. Ooh, how I love it!" This time, she hit Petunia across the face with her cane. "Try again. Pulling wool over my eyes doesn't work when I'm blind."

Petunia snarled. "They were freaks, like him! They got blown up with some other freak who was attacking them! WE NEVER WANTED HIM! HE WAS LEFT ON OUR DOORSTEP BY THAT OLD FREAK DUMBLEDORE!"

"Who's Dumbledore?!" Harry demanded.

Petunia, after a moment, sneered. "Headmaster of the magical school your whore of a mother went to!" And then, it all spilled out of her, the hatred and jealousy for her sister, and for magic, of the wizards and witches, of what little she knew about the war her sister got caught up in. "If I knew you were going to turn out like this, I would have strangled you in that damned basket!" she finished.

Harry looked at her calmly, too calmly, and Petunia realised her mistake too late. The calmness was a serene anger. You could see it in his eyes, so much like her sister's. After a moment, he said, "Terezi, I think I have heard enough."

"As have I. But…I believe in sporting chances." Terezi grinned viciously, and pulled out a coin, double-headed, but with a scratched face. "I see the clean side up, you go free. Otherwise…Vriska?"

Vriska scurried forward, what looked like a raygun in her hands. "This thing is an Appearifier. It's currently set to where my Lusus is, and my Lusus is a big fucking spider. You'll get zapped there, and become its next meal. Any questions?"

Petunia didn't trust herself to reply. Dudley merely squealed, "You can't do this!"

"Jegus, he's so fucking dense, he makes black holes look envious!" Karkat snarled.

"He eats like one too," Harry snarked. "I had to cook for them, and not a single thank you either. At least Lusii are animals. They didn't have an excuse. Terezi?"

Terezi's grin widened, and she flipped the coin. When it landed on the floor, Petunia, seeing the clean side show, sighed in relief. "What are you so happy about, Horseface?" Terezi demanded.

"The coin's exonerated me," Petunia said.

"Coin? Surely you jest?" Terezi snarled, whipping off her glasses, revealing eyes that were little more than seas of solid red. "The prosecution counsel sees no coin. I'M BLIND, REMEMBER?!"

Vriska grinned, wielding her Appearifier. "Time for the sentence to be carried out?" she asked.

"Yes," Terezi said, replacing her glasses. "Any final farewell to your former family, Ofiuco?"

Harry merely shrugged. "Have pity on me!" Petunia wailed.

"I have pity for you. Goodbye, Aunt Petunia. It hasn't been pleasant."

Before Petunia could protest any further, Vriska shot them with the Appearifyer…

* * *

…and they were somewhere else. With a massive pale spider looming over them. Petunia had enough time to scream for a long time, as it ate Vernon first, then Dudley, and then herself. Her last thought was regret that she hadn't killed the little bastard when she had the chance. That, and the fact that being eaten by a spider the size of a fairly large building was enough to make anyone arachnophobic. If she knew that she and her family would kill the spider by giving it a terminal case of food poisoning and cholesterol overdose, it would have given her little comfort.

As it was, Vriska was happy that her Lusus was dead. And so too was Ofiuco Amduat, formerly known as Harry Potter (save to his friends, anyway), albeit for different reasons. Justice, he felt, had been served…

 **OMAKE ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Wow. I think that's the darkest and most evil that I've ever written Harry. Then again, he has been raised for a certain number of years by the Trolls in this omake. And for those of you unfamiliar with** ** _Homestuck_** **, it's a pretty twisted, violent society. Okay, Troll childhoods make Harry's raising by the Dursleys look sane, but their guardians are literal monsters. And as you noted with the scene above (which is heavily based on Terezi's little mock-trial of a stuffed dragon toy, Senator Lemonsnout, from the** ** _Homestuck_** **webcomic), he's not nice to anyone who's wronged him.**

 **That being said, this omake was written when I first had the notion of a** ** _Homestuck_** **crossover with the Potterverse. Harry's character is not going to be as dark in Kakistocracy. This is just an entertaining (I hope) little piece.**

 **No numbered annotations this time. So, back to the regularly-scheduled programming…oh wait. My writing is neither regular or schedule. :P**


	8. Chapter 5: Convergence

**CHAPTER 5:**

 **CONVERGENCE**

It was weird, sleeping in a pod filled with green slime. Okay, the slime was only an inch or so deep, but even so, it was weird. And yet, it was the best night's sleep he had had for a very long time.

Of course, it was made even weirder by the fact that he was sleeping in the 'bed' of a girl he had only known (in person, at least) for less than a day. While she had a spare recuperacoon for Sollux and Aradia (who were apparently matesprits, that is, romantic partners), Terezi insisted on Harry sharing hers. Said something about his wonderful smell. They were going to rest for just long enough before heading back to Earth.

He woke up early the next day (well, evening), clad only in a shirt and his boxers. Thankfully, Terezi was still wearing a singlet and boxers herself, the latter with cartoon versions of her dragon toys. As he sat up within the recuperacoon, Terezi stirred, and opened her eyes. Harry realised it was the first time he had actually seen her eyes, with them being hidden by her glasses before (and she had gotten him to get into the recuperacoon first, and he had fallen asleep just as she was clambering in).

Her eyes were little more than solid red orbs, blood red. Compared to the sunset-coloured ones he had seen with the other Trolls he had seen so far, it was eerie. Though the way the sopor slime clung to her singlet and made it cling to her breasts made the sight even more surreal. Especially as there was something rather arousing about it. Like a stickier, green version of a wet t-shirt.

"You like what you see?" she said with a grin.

"Ummm…" Harry replied coherently. Well, as much as he could, given the circumstances.

She cackled softly. "I can smell those hormones coming off you. Hey, don't worry. I actually like you, Harry. I did, even before I learned you were from Earth. You're pretty soft for a Troll, but…well, I don't mind. At least you're not as wimpy as poor Tavros. But you're not as hot-tempered as Karkat. Plus…" She grinned. "You've got red blood. Candy red blood. My favourite colour."

"I dunno whether that's the basis of a good relationship," Harry remarked.

"Yeah, but it's a start." Terezi, after a moment, sat, cross-legged, within the slime, her habitual grin fading. "I've been thinking…I mean, about who to take with us. I think we'll take them all, but we'll have to get Dobby to ferry them over directly from their hives. I can't trust Gamzee not to blab something to the others, and the only reason I'm taking Equius and Eridan is because they're friends with Nepeta and Feferi respectively. And as for Vriska…well, once upon a time, I would have left her behind. But if your father is correct, and our enemies might succeed in wiping us out…Vriska's a bitch, but part of that is her Lusus, who loves feeding on Trolls. Vriska had to become a serial killer by proxy, or else get eaten herself. I haven't forgiven her for what she's done to Tavros and me…but I think I'm coming to terms with it. Maybe with a fresh start, she can be less of a bitch."

"I hope so," Harry muttered. "I don't want her hurting my friends."

Terezi nodded solemnly. "Neither do I. After Vriska made Tavros fall off the cliff, Aradia nearly set the ghosts of the dead on her, but I knew Vriska was vicious enough to have no qualms about killing Aradia. So I sent a pheromone to Vriska that sent her Lusus into a frenzy. She was lucky to get away with only an arm lost. In revenge, well, she mind-controlled Tavros, and had him control my Lusus, who got me to sleepwalk into the woods during the day, and then look up at the sun." She tapped her cheek near her eyes pointedly. "After that, well, my Lusus, once freed from Vriska's control, guided me back home, and it taught me how to use my other senses."

"But…you're okay now," Harry said. He got the feeling she didn't need his pity or support, at least as far as her blindness was concerned.

Terezi grinned. "Yep. I'm glad you don't treat me like I'm fragile just because I'm blind, Harry. Not that anyone here would: as far as they're concerned, I'm lucky my Lusus taught me to manage just fine without my eyes. Otherwise, I would've been culled. As it is, I can kick arse pretty well."

"And you're willing to come back with me? Even knowing that Voldemort wants me dead?"

"Hey, it'll take more than a stupid wizard with a stupid name to put me off, Harry. C'mon, we'd better get dressed, and finish the preparations for leaving. And we'd better call Dobby back to help before we get our friends over…"

* * *

Karkat Vantas was swearing up a storm. This in itself wasn't unusual. Karkat was very ornery for a Troll, due in part to his blood colour. Not because he was a highblood…or a lowblood…he was something entirely other. His blood was candy red. And he knew that put him in a metric fuckton of danger.

Candy red blood had a bad history on Alternia. The infamous Sufferer was said to have had candy red blood. It was rumoured that the Amduat clan had candy red blood too, which explained their tendency to spawn deviants.

Should anyone see his blood, he would be in trouble. It was partly why he got so defensive against anyone inquiring about it. Though Terezi probably won't shun him for it. But she'd probably get to licking any wound he had, as she had a creepy love for all things bright red, and he didn't need that bloody would-be Legislacerator licking him, thank you very much.

Of course, Karkat wasn't just ornery because of the danger his blood colour put him in. Karkat was ornery in general because, well, he was a Troll after all. On top of that, he had adequacy issues, a desire to be a leader, a _somebody_ , clashing with the solemn knowledge that he never would be one.

Harry stumbled across their group, along with that Hermione girl. And Karkat, despite being his ornery self, actually liked Harry, even if he found it difficult to admit. Which was why, even after he had dismissed the claims that said Troll was Harry, he found himself regretting his words.

It was some time into Karkat's state that he got someone pestering him via Trollian. After a moment, he hoped it was Terezi, asking him to come over anyway. Unfortunately, he wasn't so lucky…

 _terminallyCapricious [TC] has started trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]._

 _TC: HeY, kArKaT, wHaT's Up?_

 _CG: UGH, WHAT'S UP IS MY BLOOD PRESSURE._

 _TC: WhOa, ChIlL, kArKaT. cAlM dOwN, mOtHeRfUcKeR. wHaT's EaTiNg YoU?_

 _CG: GAH. NOTHING. JUST SOMETHING TEREZI DID EARLIER. I'M A BIT AGITATED._

 _TC: yOu'Re AlWaYs AgItAtEd, BrO. iT's, LiKe, YoUr MoThErFuCkInG rAiSoN d'EtRe._

 _CG: WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK WAS THAT? YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE UP WORDS LIKE THAT!_

 _CG: UGH, NEVER MIND. WE'LL TALK SOME OTHER TIME, OKAY?_

 _CG: I NEED TIME TO MYSELF TO THINK._

 _TC: YoU'vE gOt It, BrO._

 _TC: JuSt TaKe SoMe TiMe To ReLaX aNd EnJoY tHe MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS oF lIfE._

 _TC: hOnK :o)_

Karkat sighed in irritation. With friends like these, who needed enemies? Gamzee was okay for a highblood, but he was spaced out on sopor slime all the time, eating pies of the stuff, and he was obsessed with clowns, and particularly creepy ones. Some sort of religion he followed, something Karkat didn't want to examine too closely. He might get an infection.

Still, maybe he should head over to Terezi's, find out what was going on…

* * *

Feferi Peixes was a troubled Troll. You wouldn't know it if you met her: she frequently showed a very happy-go-lucky and empathic attitude that was surprising in a highblood, especially as she had the highest blood colour. Namely, fuchsia. She was certainly more progressive than most would be in her position, wanting to rebrand 'culling' as a form of caring for those less fortunate. Oh, she still had violent and disdainful impulses, but they were hidden beneath a genuinely nice demeanour.

But she was going to be coming of age before long. A time when she would have to challenge her ancestor, Her Imperious Condescension, for the throne. And she knew she wasn't good enough, nowhere near. Feferi was a powerful Troll, but the Condesce had been around for centuries, growing stronger and more experienced. Feferi was only seven and a half sweeps. Not enough time to be strong and cunning enough to defeat the Condesce.

It was a bit why the manifesto she found of Apollo Amduat gave her some hope, that there was another way. It was partly why she had been considering breaking away from Alternia and founding a second Alternian Empire, far away from Alternia. It would probably fail, either through her own people, or through their enemies exterminating them, but it would matter as long as they tried. A true ruler, she thought, had to look after their subjects, not subjugate them to use as petty playthings and cannon fodder.

Eridan didn't share as much of her views, much to her sadness. She was meant to be his moirail, and yet, he was continually on the verge of launching a campaign against the land-dwellers. This distressed her, to say the least.

Which was why, when she was out feeding her Lusus, Gl'bgolyb, she heard a whisper from it. _Child, the time has come for your escape. Take the Ampora, and flee to the blind Pyrope's house. GO_.

Feferi nearly protested, but the tone of the vast eldritch beast brooked no argument. So she sped off through the water, stopping by her hive only to Captchalogue the bag she had packed in anticipation of leaving Alternia, before heading for Eridan's hive…

* * *

Across Alternia, messages were sent to five Trolls. Two missed their messages, but three received them, and knew that the time had finally come for them to leave Alternia.

In her cave, Nepeta packed up the rest of her shipping wall, and then beckoned for her Lusus, the feline Pounce de Leon, to follow her.

In his own hive, Tavros wheeled his wheelchair anxiously towards the Appearifyer station, hoping beyond all hope he could get off this world before he was culled.

Kanaya Maryam looked out across the oasis her hive was situated in, in the middle of a desert. She would miss this place, but she would prefer to live.

* * *

Back on Earth, the woman once known as Haisha Megido frowned when she saw that there had been more Earth-based activity of Trollian. She couldn't monitor what was said, not without potentially exposing her presence. But she knew that, somehow, either there were more Troll agents on Earth…or Apollo or, more likely, his son, Ofiuco, survived.

Recently, she got confirmation of the latter. And wouldn't you know it, it was only the boy that her daughter (named, in private, Athena Megido) spoke about so much. And that complicated things.

Haisha agreed to become Apollo Amduat's scout on Earth because it meant she could get away from the pressures of life on Alternia. He'd even managed to extend her life: Trolls with burgundy blood tended only to live for a few decades, by Earth standards (she had gone native, and quite frankly, she was fine with that), but now, she had a lifespan comparable to humans. What was more, she had fallen in love with a human, a fine man, who accepted her for what she was. It was through one of Apollo's devices that they'd had a child: a modified clone of herself, but one who was given modifications to look human, until the time was right.

It hurt Haisha to keep the secret from her daughter. She kept telling herself that she would tell the truth, one day. But now, it was fast coming to the point where 'one day' would be far too late. She was 16 now, coming up to 17. And she was getting embroiled in a war between factions of these humans, factions of a small, hidden society.

She couldn't reveal herself to Apollo when he crashlanded on Earth, as she had feared that the Condesce may land her soldiers to finish the job. By the time she was sure they weren't coming, she couldn't track him down. He was, in all likelihood, dead. But she had been told by him of the engineered son he had created, Ofiuco, in his last transmission to her. And somehow, she got the feeling that Ofiuco was involved in that debacle with the magicals too. In fact, she had the oddest feeling that Ofiuco was the boy she had glimpsed once a few years ago, in Diagon Alley. A boy who had Apollo's features, without the Alternian markers of grey skin, horns, and sunset-coloured sclera.

It was only suspicion at the time, fuelled, she had thought, by wishful thinking. But now, she wasn't so sure. She now began to suspect, with greater conviction, that Harry Potter was indeed Ofiuco Amduat.

Haisha Megido, known to almost everyone else as Emma Granger, sighed quietly. Her darling Athena, her beautiful daughter Hermione, was getting herself into trouble. And Jegus knew whether she would be able to get out of it…

 **CHAPTER 5 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, there's a turn-up for the books. I hadn't originally intended for Hermione to be a Troll, but comparing her appearance mentally to Aradia made me have that connection, so I decided to change things around about the race bank. Hermione's 'Troll' name, Athena, should be obvious in origin. Haisha's name is slightly more obscure: it means 'dentist' in Japanese.**

 **I also intended the big reveal to be later, but as a few of you already guessed who it was, and the wordcount for this chapter needed upping, I thought I'd do it now. We'll examine it in-depth later…**

 **Also, for those of you wondering why Terezi is being so intimate with Harry, well, it's for a few reasons. The first is that she enjoys teasing him and making him uncomfortable. The second is that, well, while she's not going to sleep with him in any sense but the most literal, she's known him for long enough (via Trollian chat) to trust him. Finally, she likes his smell, and so basically wanted him as a teddy bear while she slept in the recuperacoon. There won't be any hanky-panky for a while.**

 **Next chapter (which may not be out for a while), the escape to Earth!**

 **Review-answering time!** **Mangahero18** **: Harry's keeping quiet because one, he doesn't know if he can trust them quite enough, and two, if he does get back home, he's worried about the Statute.**

 **Guest** **: Wholly different species of Trolls. But yes, Alternian Trolls do have access to magic.**

 **Kilare T'suna** **: If you paid attention to the tags, the main pairing is Harry/Terezi. But that may change…**

 **Breitve** **: I will actually seriously consider Hermione/Kanaya.**

 **Zane Tribal Tyne Alexandros** **: I'm glad you like it. Even if I'm not slavishly adhering to every part of the Homestuck mythos, I hope I've managed to capture enough to give this story verisimilitude.**

 **No numbered annotations for this chapter.**


	9. Chapter 6: Earthbound

**CHAPTER 6:**

 **EARTHBOUND(** **1)**

"I've sent messages to Feferi, Nepeta, Karkat, Kanaya and Tavros," Terezi said as they waited for the others to come around. "Will Dobby be able to get the others to Earth?"

"Yes, but he'll have to knock them out, if what you said about them is any indication. What about your Lusus?"

"I've told Dobby to take that to Earth if he can." Terezi gave a rueful grin. "My Lusus is still in its egg, and it's supposed to only hatch when the end of the world comes. But I don't want it to die."

"We've sent Dobby to take ours over to Earth too," Aradia said.

" _And I have also sent a time-delayed message to the other Trolls_ ," Apollo said. " _Maybe some might get offworld in time. I would prefer a diaspora to a genocide, though our enemies would disagree. Incidentally, I had best make myself scarce for the moment. Toodles!_ " He then vanished, his holographic image shimmering and fading.

Any further discussion on the matter was halted when they heard voices faintly from below. "…you up to, huh?" This was the voice of a haughty boy, one whose tone reminded Harry unpleasantly of Malfoy's.

"How is it any of your fucking business, Eridan?! Anyway, what the hell are you doing here?!" This was Karkat, obviously.

"I brought him here," came a girl's voice, trying to be conciliatory. "Look, Gl'bgolyb told me to take him."

"Didn't you get the message, Feferi?" asked the timid voice of a boy that reminded Harry of Neville.

"…No, but Gl'bgolyb warned me anyway. What about you, Karkat?"

"No, I've just left my hive. I wanted to see Harry up close, or that Troll claiming to be him. What, were you douchebags gonna pike out on me?"

"Calm down, Karkat. It was serendipitous that you came here," said a calm, eloquent girl's voice. "We would not have left you behind deliberately."

"Says you," Karkat retorted belligerently. "Personally, I think you would have left me behind just to laugh at my expression. _Ooh, look at Nubs_ , you'd say, _look at how his nubby horns connect to his empty thinkpan. He's great to fool!_ "

Terezi poked her head out of the window, and yelled, "NUBS! STOP YOUR BITCHING! YOU MISSED THE MESSAGE, BUT IT'S A GOOD THING YOU GOT HERE! WE'RE GONNA BLOW THIS JOINT! WAIT DOWN THERE, AND WE'LL COME TO YOU! WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ROOM FOR THIS PARTY IN MY HIVE!"

* * *

And cloaked by stolen Troll technology, hiding in a sensor shadow of the Condesce's own flagship, the alien ship began its descent into the atmosphere of Alternia, on its deadly mission.

There was now 413 seconds until they reached the surface(2)…

* * *

Once they reached the ground, Harry scurried forward. He recognised Karkat and Nepeta instantly. Two of the remaining Trolls, a boy and a girl, both had gills and fin-like ears. The boy was dressed in a cape and wore glasses, and glared at Harry suspiciously. The girl, by contrast, had a more gentle demeanour, wore a dress, jewels, and goggles. Given what he knew about Troll biology now, and the hierarchy of sea-dwellers compared to land-dwellers, he guessed the girl was Feferi.

Another was a wheelchair-bound Troll with bull-like horns and a timid expression that reminded him somewhat of Neville. He guessed that was Tavros. Which meant that the pale (by Troll standards), elegant girl with short hair was Kanaya.

"What is the meaning of this?" the sea-dwelling boy demanded, drawling out his 'w' in 'what'. "Who are you?"

"All in good time," Harry said.

"What the fuck do you mean all in good time?!" Karkat exploded. "I'm getting sick and tired of being fed bullshit and kept in the dark! So, basically, all my life! And I'm SICK of it!"

"Okay, how about this? We're getting the hell out of dodge, Karkat!" Harry snapped irritably. "Does that answer your question? Anyway, who is this? I'm pretty sure you're Feferi, but…"

"That's Eridan, Harry," Feferi said. "And yes, I am Feferi. It's good to meet you at last." She gave a welcoming smile.

"Oh, don't tell me you're buying his bullshit, fish princess!" Karkat snapped.

"Put a sock in it, Nubs!" Terezi snapped back. "We're on the clock! We're getting the hell off Alternia! Do you have your things?"

"I've had them in my Captchalogue for ages, Terezi! I don't feel safe with them out and about," Karkat said. "I thought that one day, the Drones'd come for my arse, and I'd have to make like a hoofbeast and stampede!"

"Why would you think the Drones would come for you, Karkat?" Kanaya asked.

"It's to do with his blood colour, I'd expect," Eridan remarked sniffily, reminding Harry somewhat too much of Draco Malfoy for his liking. "He's so defensive about it, it's obvious he had something to hide."

"Fuck you and the Lusus you rode in on, Eridan!" Karkat snarled.

"I rest my case," Eridan said smugly.

"Eridan…" Feferi chided quietly, before she turned to the others. "We're getting off Alternia. My Lusus, he warned me that something was about to happen, that I needed to bring you here. Something bad's going to happen."

"The Vast Glub," Aradia said quietly in horrified realisation.

Eridan blinked, and then peered at her. "What? How can the Vast Glub be happening? What's going to make Gl'bgolyb unleash that?"

"We don't know. But we were planning on leaving Alternia anyway," Aradia said. "Harry, this planet, Earth, how far away from Alternia is it?"

"I've no idea," Harry said. "Dad claimed it's in the next galaxy over, and out of range of the Vast Glub, but…"

"Better there than here then," Terezi said grimly. "Now, we've got someone effectively acting as a taxi service. Don't try to attack him, he's a pretty helpful little guy. Plus, we're scooting off to an alien planet. We'll have to do a crash-course in how to act."

"Dobby!" Harry called. With a pop, Dobby appeared. "Is everything ready?"

"Yes, Great Mr Harry Potter, sir! I brought over the other Alternate Trolls to Hogwarts! They sleep for now."

"Okay, great. We'd better get the hell out of here. Everyone, take someone's hand." As they did so, Harry grabbed Terezi's hand, and then Dobby's with another. Karkat did so without any protest, the gravity of the situation finally getting through to him. "Okay. Let's go, Dobby! We're now Earthbound!"

* * *

And then, they were elsewhere, in a room that Harry knew, somehow, to be part of Hogwarts. It felt like Hogwarts. In a way, it reminded him of the Gryffindor Common Room, what with the comfy chairs and the fireplace. Seated in a few of the chairs were a number of Trolls. The sole girl had a massive mane of messy black hair and glasses, her horns resembling a scorpion's sting and claw respectively. One of the male Trolls was a massive hulking musclebound Troll, with a broken horn, and broken teeth in his mouth as he snored. The other had a face covered in clown-like make-up, with long, goat-like horns.

"Vriska, Equius, Gamzee, looks like they're here," Terezi said. She grinned at Dobby. "Nice work, Dobby. Where are we, anyway?"

"This bes the Come and Go Room, Miss Teresa," Dobby said, still a little intimidated by the Troll. "It's sometimes called the Room of Requirement. I goes and brings the Headmaster here, okay?"

As he disappeared with a pop, Karkat rounded on Harry. "Headmaster? What the fuck is that thing talking about? Now that I come to think about it, what the fuck was that thing?"

" _His_ name is Dobby, and _he_ is not a thing, but a House Elf," Harry explained patiently. "We're also currently in a school, a school I go to, on the planet Earth."

"Earth?" Karkat, after a moment, pinched the bridge of his nose. He seemed to calm down a little. "Okay, if what you said is true, if we are on another planet, and the Vast Glub's gonna happen, are we far enough away?"

"That's the million boonbuck question right there," Tavros agreed.

"I believe that it would be better as far away from Alternia as possible," Kanaya said. "Feferi, do you know with any degree of certainty how far away you must be?"

The piscine Troll shook her head. "I have no idea," she said. "There may not be a safe distance. Only the Condesce would know. But…if Gl'bgolyb sent us to you, and then to Earth with you, then surely we must be safe, right?"

It looked like Feferi was trying to be optimistic in spite of the situation, and not everyone looked reassured. Certainly not Karkat, who rolled his eyes, and muttered, "We are so very fucked."

"Cram it, Nubs," Terezi retorted. "If we're not safe here, where else will we be? Frankly, nowhere."

"Well, even leaving that aside, Terezi, do you feel safe with Vriska being here?" Karkat asked. "Cause I fucking don't. And…" His eyes widened. "Oh crap. Do you guys hear that?"

And they could. An eldritch noise, like fingernails scraping up and down the blackboards of their minds and souls. Like a strange pulsating screech of electronic agony that came and went in pulses. And with each wave of the screech, they felt a stab of icy agony in their heads. Harry clutched his head, and felt a trickle of blood from his nose. "What's happening?!" he bit out.

"The Vast Glub!" Feferi screamed. "It's arrived!"

The gathered Trolls began screaming in pain, blood tricking from their noses and mouths and eyes, before they collapsed to the floor of the Room of Requirement. It seemed like they wouldn't survive this…

* * *

In 12 Grimmauld Place, Hermione didn't know where the noise was coming from, or why she was in pain. She felt a trickle from her nose, and as she stared at what she saw, she began to black out. Her last thought before oblivion took her was, true to her pedantic nature, that it should be impossible that her blood was burgundy-coloured…

* * *

In the dental practise of the Grangers, Daniel Granger heard the crash, and rushed into the office to find his wife, her disguise having failed, vomiting burgundy blood onto the desk, convulsing. "Emma! EMMA!" he yelled, feeling helpless as his wife, alien or not, suffered from what looked like a lethal fit…

* * *

History is written by the winners, it is said. Certainly, when the history books came to tell of the fall of Alternia, they didn't say how much pain and suffering each and every Troll suffered as they died when Gl'bgolyb was forced to unleash the Vast Glub by the suicide mission sent by the aliens. The victors rationalised that, as they had suffered under the Trolls, so to should they suffer. It's certainly debatable whether one atrocity calls for another in return, but that's not the focus of this story.

Not all Trolls died. Certainly the Condesce didn't die. But her forces had been decimated, and she was certainly the only one left fighting. Her final battle would have made the stuff of legends, given how tenaciously she fought, though her crude language rather spoiled it.

A few Trolls survived, being in unique circumstances that meant they could not hear the Vast Glub. Most were killed. A few were imprisoned.

But what of the baker's dozen of Trolls who had evacuated to Earth, along with the two other Trolls who had hid on Earth as well?

* * *

Dumbledore was making his way towards the Room of Requirement after Dobby told him of the Trolls' arrival. But then, Dobby's eyes widened as they reached the doors. "The Great Harry Potter bes hurt! He's dying! He's be screaming as it screams!"

"Dobby, get Poppy!" Dumbledore commanded. While there was no guarantee that Poppy Pomfrey would be able to help aliens, the fact remained that potions worked equally well on Harry as they had on a human, so he hoped it would work. Dobby popped away, and Dumbledore opened the doors.

What met his eyes was gruesome, to say the least. He hadn't seen bloodshed on this scale since Voldemort's previous rise. And the fallen bodies strewn around the room reminded him not only of that conflict, but also of the fields of Europe during the Second World War. He had a flashback to one of Gellert's mass killings, and then to a Nazi execution of rebels. Blood in all the colours of the rainbow splattered on the floor in an arrangement that Dumbledore would have found interesting, had it not been the lifeblood of thirteen teenagers.

Steeling himself for the worst, Dumbledore cast a spell on the room. The results gave him pause for thought, perhaps even some hope. He gingerly stepped over to Harry, and cast a spell he had meant to do once he got home, and was grimly satisfied with the results. The Horcrux was gone, and the sentence of death over Harry lessened.

Poppy walked in, and was aghast. "Albus, what happened here?!" she demanded, not unreasonably. "Who are these…children?"

"Poppy…I don't know what happened…or who all of these children are…but this is Harry Potter." He gestured at Harry.

Poppy seemed almost set to disbelieve him, before nodding grimly, accepting that ending up on the floor in a small pool of his own blood was par for the course for Harry. "Is he alive, Albus?"

"Yes. They all are, thankfully. But they've undergone some severe physical and mental trauma. It has the hallmarks of an immense Legilimency attack on them simultaneously. Dobby said something about screaming."

" _Yep!_ " came the too-chipper tone of Apollo Amduat, who appeared. " _Sorry about not appearing sooner, but the transit from Alternia scrambled my circuits a little._ " His expression became rather solemn. " _They're not in any immediate danger, but the Vast Glub caused more than enough neurological and physiological trauma. From what I know, some of your potions work well enough. Blood-replenishing potions will do fine._ "

The blind one, the one who had called herself Terezi, got up off the floor, and muttered, "Did anyone get the number of the hoofbeast that trampled me?" Her eyes, now uncovered by her glasses, widened. They were little more than solid red orbs. "Harry!" She scrambled over to Harry, and shook him awake.

"Ugh…why do I feel like a dragon's leavings?" Harry muttered, sitting up. "Terezi?" he asked, before his eyes went over to Dumbledore and Poppy. "Oh, hi."

Terezi sniffed the air, and then crawled over to a groaning Karkat, sniffing his blood. Which, Dumbledore noted, was a bright red, almost like a human's. "Ha! I called it!" Terezi yelped triumphantly. "Nubs has red blood! Candy red, my favourite colour!"

As the Trolls stirred, Dumbledore knew that some explanations were in order. Some from him, and some from the Trolls. The question was, though, what would they do now?

 **CHAPTER 6 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Yes, that is the question. Incidentally, sorry for the wait for the latest chapter. Inspiration was lacking somewhat.**

 **On a related note, I've played part of Act 1 of** ** _Hiveswap_** **. And I have to say, I'm sorely disappointed. Not by the graphics or the writing or the gameplay or the music. No, all that's perfectly spot-on. What irks me is the bloody length of the game. They had all that time to develop the game, and they release something that's over in a few hours. Given all the time they had to develop it, they could have released the full game. And yes, I'm aware of the behind-the-scenes problems. But you'd think they would have had time for the full game. Anyway, rant over.**

 **Incidentally, the noise of the Vast Glub, as I described it? I had in mind the Cybermen's hypnotic signal from** ** _Doctor Who: The Invasion_** **, namely the end of episode 6. I found this clip on YouTube showing that sequence, and giving you an idea of what the sound is like…**

 **watch?v=oqOEyeDvfJA**

 **Oh, and I just realised another possible model for Apollo's personality. Imagine a smarter version of Caboose from** ** _Red vs Blue_** **, like a mad genius version. Seriously, I only just got into that show, and I'm enjoying it.**

 **Next chapter will be Hermione finding out her heritage…and having a needed heart-to-heart with her mother…**

 **Review-answering time!** **Guest** **(regarding, amongst other things, the new** ** _Doctor Who_** **): While making the Doctor female has been mooted since at least the 80s, they've been foreshadowing Time Lords changing genders with regenerations for some time. In Neil Gaiman's** ** _The Doctor's Wife_** **, the Doctor mentions the Corsair being a woman for at least one regeneration, and of course, later, we have Missy (aka the Female Master) and the General (first seen in** ** _The Day of the Doctor_** **as a man, but when they regenerate in** ** _Hell Bent_** **, they become a woman, and remark that they normally are a woman).**

 **crazy dragon ninja** **: Another fanfic had a great solution: Calming Draughts.**

 **1\. Yes, this is a deliberate reference to** ** _Homestuck_** **'s inspiration, the** ** _Earthbound_** **games, aka the** ** _Mother_** **series.**

 **2\. 413 is an arc number for** ** _Homestuck_** **.**


	10. Chapter 7: Hermione's Revelation

**CHAPTER 7:**

 **HERMIONE'S REVELATION**

Hermione was being shaken awake rather insistently. Though she had to wonder why her mouth tasted like blood. Or why her everything ached. Once she had opened her eyes, she found a worried Sirius and Remus there, the latter pressing a vial of a potion to her lips. She drank, and grimaced. Wasn't that a Blood-Replenishing Potion?

"What happened?" Hermione croaked. "There was this weird noise, it was so painful, and…"

"I don't know," Sirius said. "We heard you crying out in pain. We managed to prevent the others from getting in…I only brought in Moony because he can be trusted, and Dumbledore's at Hogwarts. You were coughing up blood, pretty much bleeding from everywhere. You'll probably have to have a shower, but first…well, it's bad news."

"What do you mean, bad news?" Hermione asked.

Silently, Remus handed over a mirror, albeit with the back facing her. "You'd better be prepared for a bit of a shock, Hermione. Just know that I can use a disguise spell for the time being."

"A what?" Hermione dreaded what she was about to see. But eventually, she turned over the mirror…and gasped in shock when she saw the reflection, so alien and yet so familiar.

It was definitely her face, the shape of it, and the familiar bushy hair. But her skin was now grey, her sclera twilight-coloured…and she had a pair of _horns_. Curling like those of a ram.

Just like the Trolls. No, like _Aradia's_.

Hermione stared, almost on the verge of screaming, and understandably so. So it came as something of a relief when her laptop, which was nearby, chimed. She scrambled, and found Trollian active. Except the name wasn't a familiar one.

 _cavityTerminator [CT] has started trolling giftedAthena [GA]_

 _CT: Hermione? Are you there?_

 _CT: Talk to me, sweetie._

 _CT: It's your mother._

 _GA: Is it? Prove it._

 _CT: …I got you that_ Doctor Who _VHS for your tenth birthday._

 _CT: Oh thank goodness you're all right!_

 _CT: I thought…I thought…_

 _GA: …How did you know I was in trouble?_

 _CT: …I'll activate video chat. You deserve to know why_ …

And with that, the video chat screen opened up, revealing…her mother. But changed. Clearly a Troll. " _Hermione! Oh, thank goodness! I thought, when I felt the Vast Glub happening, you would_ …"

"You're a Troll," Hermione said flatly. "I'm a Troll. We're both Trolls. What the hell is going on?"

Her mother flinched, wincing, before asking, " _Are you alone?_ "

"No, I'm with Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. And they can hear this. I already know about Alternia. Harry's father, Apollo, had done some sort of memory download from those glasses. So I know _everything_." Hermione's tone was coldly angry, but she couldn't help but be, having this being concealed from her for all her life.

The cold tone made her mother recoil, but she sighed, resigned. " _So Harry is Ofiuco? I suspected that might be it…and if you know about our culture, then it saves a bit of bother. I should have told you sooner, but…well, how well would you have reacted to learning you were an alien, and from a culture that wasn't very nice? You told me about these Death Eaters, these neo-Nazi wizards you and Harry fought. The only consolation is that the worst of our people were wiped out with the Vast Glub, though the best may have been as well. Anyway, my birth name was Haisha Megido. Your name, your Alternian name, is Athena._ "

"…Really?"

" _Yes. Really. It's a long story, how I met your father. He's busy dealing with one of our clients while I rest. But the upshot was, you're my daughter. You may be a Troll, but you're nothing like those on Alternia. Still, with that cat out of the bag_ …"

"Dumbledore knows already. He's gone to meet Harry and some other Trolls. Long story short, Harry ended up on Alternia. He's escaped, I hope, with some friends our age. One of them is called Aradia Megido."

" _Oh? Hopefully I can see her. Any others?_ "

"I saw a few. There's Terezi Pyrope and Sollux Captor. Terezi has been Harry's friend for a while."

Remus put himself near Hermione, and looked at the screen. "Mrs…Megido, was it?"

The woman in question smiled a little wanly. " _Just call me Dr Granger, I'm used to my human name. And you are?_ "

"Remus Lupin."

" _Oh, the werewolf! Well, if you wanted, I could have given you a free check-up, considering what you did for my daughter. Apparently you were the most competent Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher she's had, until that Moody fellow last year, but he turned out to be a terrorist in disguise. Anyway, what did you want?_ "

"…You're an alien. You're not out to conquer the world?"

Dr Granger laughed. " _Oh, Jegus,_ _ **no!**_ _That might have been what the Condesce, our ruler, may have intended, but she's either dead, or without an army by now. The attack my daughter suffered was a psychic scream from Gl'bgolyb, a vast Lusus. It was said that if Gl'bgolyb ever raised its voice beyond a whisper, Armageddon would arrive. And lo and behold, it did. Thankfully, Gl'bgolyb was far enough away that the attack was not lethal, to us at least. Our people were a conquering army, but that was due to the Condesce. Apollo and I…we tried to be a force for change and revolution, but I was forced to hide out here, earthbound. You know, given what my daughter has said about wizards, I'm surprised you know about the concept of an alien invasion._ "

"Lily introduced me to _Doctor Who_ , and even before that, I'd read some Muggle literature, like _The War of the Worlds_ ," Remus said.

" _Well, Mr Lupin, can I trouble you or that Mr Black to use some sort of disguising spell on Hermione? Humans are as xenophobic as my people are…were, and it seems to be concentrated in your society. I don't say this to insult you, but with the Death Eaters and these blood purity-obsessed fools in key positions in your government, well_ …"

"I would have done it anyway," Remus said. "But is there anything else?"

" _Yes. We suffer from violent nightmares on a regular basis, though the effect is lessened away from Alternia_ ," Dr Granger said. " _On Alternia, we slept in special pods filled with sopor slime. I managed to create a substitute that I could ingest, but while Hermione's form was still human, the nightmares should have been mostly absent. I don't know whether you wizards have an alternative, but I'd prefer not to have to use a pharmaceutical that could cause dependency. Sopor slime technically does, but it was safe when absorbed through the skin. Ingested, at least the original, well…let's just say that I heard that the Makaras made a habit of eating pies filled with the stuff._ "

"Well, we'd better have enough for more Trolls," Hermione said. "I don't know how many Harry managed to bring back from Alternia, after all…"

* * *

Dumbledore had to admit, despite his misgivings about the Alternian Trolls, he found them quite fascinating from a biological standpoint. It was a little-known fact that Dumbledore actually kept more or less abreast of Muggle advances in science and technology, at least in broad terms. So, having heard of the memory download from Hermione, he asked for one from Apollo…at least of the basics of Troll biology, society and culture.

Their tendency towards xenophobia and violence aside (and their haemospectrum seemed as appalling as Blood Purity values, even if it had more of a biological basis than the latter), they were a fascinating species. It was strange comparing them to Earth trolls. About the only thing they shared were grey skin and an aggressive attitude, though thankfully, most of those who had woken had more bark than bite, and that blind girl Terezi had directed Pomfrey to keep some of the others under, until they could present this whole saga as a fait accompli. Namely Gamzee Makara, Vriska Serket, and Equius Zahhak.

Still, it meant dealing with ten teenagers with varying temperaments and personalities. Aradia, Kanaya and Tavros were rather polite. Feferi, Nepeta and Terezi were eccentric, but good-natured. Eridan was rather snobbish, reminding him somewhat of Draco Malfoy, but kept an air of civility the would-be Prince of Slytherin would have found hard to maintain. Karkat was more overtly belligerent, swearing up a storm or using some rather colourful and sometimes creative insults that Dumbledore was actually impressed by. Sollux was less belligerent, but at least as irreverent as Karkat.

And, of course, there was Harry. Or Ofiuco Amduat, as his father called him. So strange, seeing Harry with grey skin and horns. Harry's true form was Dumbledore's own follies made flesh. The Blood Wards could not have worked, or, given an adoption ritual, not as well as they could have. Which meant that Dumbledore had sent Harry to that place on a false assumption. He had gambled that the Blood Wards were worth the risk of the Dursleys being cold towards Harry…and lost. Yet another mistake to add to a litany as long as his beard.

After some consideration, he kept Terezi and Feferi with Harry while he discussed matters with him. Not the matter of the Horcrux, which seemed to be gone, much to his relief, or the Blood Wards, which would have to wait until another time. No, the matter was that of the Trolls and where to house them, as well as using the right glamours to make them appear human. All Trolls, it seemed (or at least those he had met and scanned) had a magical core, and thus the ability to perform magic.

Of course, twelve new students of Harry's age would be noticed, especially as this year was the beginning of OWLs for Harry and his peers. How the Trolls could catch up in such a short period was beyond him, and Karkat would be a disaster in any decent classroom. He swore as a form of punctuation, after all, and while there were more than a few students like that, he thought Karkat would be particularly intractable to discipline.

Well, one thing at a time. There were a number of more urgent issues of import to deal with. Like Terezi trying to lick the portraits on the walls.

"Blegh! Ugh, all mouldy and boring!" Terezi complained.

"Stop licking us, you filthy… _thing!_ " Phineas Black said in disgust.

"You call yourself Black, but you taste all like hoofbeast crap, all green and brown and yellow," Terezi said, poking her tongue out and wiping at it with the back of her hand, a bit like a cat trying to groom itself. "Why can't you be all like the firebird, all spicy and tingly."

She meant Fawkes, who had used a burst of flame to get rid of the Troll spit on him after he allowed Terezi to lick him. Still, Fawkes seemed amused at the blind Troll's antics. Dumbledore, however, wanted a minimum of slobber on his office, and he cleared his throat. "Miss Pyrope, as much as I do enjoy watching Phineas be discomfited by your attention, we had serious matters to discuss."

Terezi pouted, before she slouched back over to the chair she had been assigned, and flopped down on it. "Yeah, yeah, we were discussing that you wanted us to be students here, and to be on our best behaviour. I mean, I know some of us can, but people like Karkat, well…it's like chucking a lit match into an ablution tub filled with petrochemicals. Or a bath filled with petrol, I think you humans say."

"It would be at the best of times," Dumbledore agreed sagely. "However, it is worse this year. You see, the Minister of Magic has taken it into his head that Voldemort has not returned, that Harry and I lied about it, in order so that I may topple him from power."

"Well, that's a valid tactic in Alternian politics," Feferi mused. "At least amongst the Highblood High Command. Backstabbing and deception are the orders of the day, glub glub."

"Be that as it may, Miss Peixes, our politics are somewhat…less dramatic." Then, after a moment, Dumbledore added, "For the most part. In truth, I fear this is partly because Fudge, like so many others, wants to believe that Voldemort died for good, when Harry and I know better. A not unreasonable assumption, but given Voldemort's obsession with attaining immortality, a false one. Fudge also accepts the money of Lucius Malfoy, one of Voldemort's supporters, and I believe he was probably instrumental in turning Fudge into our enemy. And he intends, I believe, to send his Senior Undersecretary to Hogwarts as a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher."

"That's a bad thing, isn't it?" Harry asked.

"Of course. Madam Umbridge is no Death Eater to my knowledge, but I believe a good Muggle term for her would be…a groupie," Dumbledore said. "She shares their views on Blood Purity and on those of mixed creature heritage, or of creature heritage, period. Should she learn about your presence here, or of Harry's true heritage…"

"Jegus, sounds like she'd fit right in back home," Terezi grimaced, before her face fell. "Home…" she murmured. "It's not there anymore…"

Harry patted her hand gently and reassuringly. "It's okay, Terezi. You have a new home here, now. I promise."

Terezi nodded, straightening a little. "Okay, so…some bureaucrat who thinks herself a teacher is being sent here? Is she any good?"

"Her assigned textbook suggests otherwise," Dumbledore said. "I have tried to find alternatives, but given the curse on the position of DADA teacher, there are few willing to come forward."

"Yeah, Harry told me a little about the teachers. You had two lackeys of Voldemort in disguise, an airheaded celebrity, and a werewolf," Terezi said. "I think the human term is 'scraping the bottom of the barrel'."

"Well, Miss Pyrope, you are correct," Dumbledore admittedly ruefully. "So you understand why it may be problematic to have you and your friends here."

"Meh, can't be any worse than back home. At least the odds of violent death have gone down a lot," Terezi said.

Feferi nodded. "A good day…well, a good _night_ is one where only a few people get culled or taken to fight in the offworld armies or attacked by one of your peers," the piscine Troll said. "Here, well, the sunlight doesn't seem so bad, and you humans aren't quite as violent…though given the situation, that isn't saying much."

"No, it isn't," Dumbledore agreed. "This shouldn't be your fight, but…"

"Hey, Harry's friends with us, and it's better to be here than on Alternia," Terezi said. "If it means having to deal with some idiots, then I'm fine with that." She bared her teeth in a vicious grin. "I may not have liked everything about our society, but we Trolls…we play for keeps…"

 **CHAPTER 7 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Sorry about the wait for this one. It's been a long time, I know. Still, we've got the hard copy versions of** ** _Homestuck_** **being reprinted, so there's that at least. As of writing, my copy of volume one is heading my way.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


End file.
